Kenshin Parody
by DarkHorse1
Summary: It's baaaaaack! Two girls get transported to rurouni kenshin land. Hijinks ensue
1. Chapter 1

Kelly and Jenny, from such stories as "The X-men the Movie Parody" and "Yo Mama Can Kiss Ass" were cold chillin' in Kelly's basement. Jenny clicked on the tape that was in the Kenshin goodness." drooled Jenny as the images of Kenshin as the Battousai flickered across the screen.

"Oh hell naw," said Kelly, "Didja see how Kenshin just flicked Saito's swordhalf away from his hand like it was a toothpick?"

Suddenly a bright flash filled the room blinding the two 19 year old girls. When the light faded away and they could see again, they found that they weren't in good ole ghetto Milwaukee no mo'.

"TV?" whimpered Jenny, "TV?! Where is the TV!!!"

Kelly looked around in awe, "Wow! I never knew that Afghanistan looked like this! Wait a minute, this ain't no Afghanistan! Where the fuck fwickity fuck fuck are we?"

Jenny was busy looking for the missing television, not even noticing the scenery change. "Kelly? Where's the magic Kenshin box?"

"I dunno. But we need to find a way outta here. We could get eaten by cannibals or...giant yaks!" said Kelly.

"Grrrrrr. Yaks, those bastards," said Jenny, shaking her fist at nothing.

"Jenny, just calm down, don't get your panties in a twist," said Kelly, trying to soothe her angered buddy.

"But where the hell is the damn TV?" yelled Jenny at the top of her lungs.

"Did you even hear anything that I said before?" said Kelly, "We might die or be eaten by YAKS if we don't find a way home right now!"

"I heard 'yaks'," replied Jenny who was in the process of looking for the TV under a rock.

"You won't find the goddamn TV under that freakin' rock!" yelled Kelly.

"Hey no need to yell, hooker!"

"That's it bitch!" screeched Kelly, jumping at Jenny.

That started a brawl to end all brawls.

The two rolled around, smacking and hitting each other with anything at hand. They rolled into a nearby fruit stand, crushing the fruit in the process.

Meanwhile, a crowd of villagers were crowding around the scene making

girls, watching them make complete asses outta themselves.

"Beeeeyatch, get your foot out of my face!"

"Babow nigga!"

"Eat Afghanistani gravel!"

"Talkin' shit cantaloupe?" yelled Jenny to a random musk melon that she had stepped upon. It was stuck on her foot. She kicked it off and it flew straight for Kelly's fo' head.

"Aww, I see how it is now. You know I hate fruit!" yelled Kelly, who picked

up an onion and chucked it at Jenny's head.

The merchants were starting to yell things at the girls, who were ruining their supplies and merchandise.

"Hey they're ruining my rice paddies!"

"Get out of my fruit stand!"

"Someone stop them! Police! Police!"

"Make them stop fighting for the love of the gods!"

A guy appeared and grabbed Jenny's arm. Jenny dropped the watermelon that she was about to hurl at Kelly and looked up in shock.

"Hey whats the big idea! Leggo!" yelled Jenny, trying to get away from the man's vice-like grip.

"I hope you plan on compensating these people for the fruit that you've ruined." said the man in a deep voice.

Kelly stood of to the side, a smile on her face. "Busted," she mouthed, crossing her arms over her chest, "I ain't bailing yo ass outta this one."

Jenny looked up at the man sheepishly, "Not really. We don't have any money." She grinned, hoping the man would have a sense of humor. Her grin faded when she saw his stern expression.

"We?"

"Yeah. Her," Jenny replied, pointing to Kelly's retreating speck on the horizon. "Uhh...Kelly? Kelly!!"

The man dropped Jenny off at the jail before she could blink an eye. He then decided to go looking for her accomplice.

Jenny sat on the cold floor, sulking and singing the Blue's.

"Da dada da da....Got caught bustin' some fruit."

"Go-o-o-damn."

"Cantaloupe talkin' shit."

"And now I'm in the can."


	2. Chapter 2

A few hours later, Kelly was still running through the semi-darkness. She was lost.  
  
"Goddamn Afghanistan! Where in the shit am I?"  
  
The woods were quiet, except for the random call of animals. Kelly cringed when she heard the nearby howl of a wolf. Then she nearly wet herself when she heard the chatter of a raccoon. She could take it no longer. She started to run, that is, until she hit something and fell down.  
  
"Hey why don't you watch where you're going?" said a young male voice from above her.  
  
"Ack! Please don't hurt me!" Kelly said, putting her hands over her face in defense.  
  
She peeked through her hands and saw what appeared to be a little boy. "Tsk. It's only a kid. Hey, you better get out of here. I'm running from the po-lice. You don't wanna mess with me. I'm an outlaw." she said, standing up and trying to sound menacing. The kid was not impressed.  
  
"Hey Sano! Come get a load of this!" yelled the kid.  
  
"W-wait. Sano? Hey, no need to get your friends involved. No one else should know I'm here. I'm a dangerous outlaw I tell you!" explained Kelly, her voice shaking slighty, "You can tell your friend to go away. Or else..."  
  
"Or else what?" asked a gruff male voice from the darkness, "Yahiko, who's that?"  
  
"Some crazy girl," replied Yahiko, laughing, "She thinks she can hurt me."  
  
Kelly said the first thing that came to mind when she saw the silhouette of Sano, seeing only his spiky hair. "Oh my God! It's a chicken! A giant goddamn chicken!"  
  
"Chicken?" Sano looked at her evilly, "You better have a good goddamn reason for callin' me a chicken."  
  
"Oh, you're a man," said Kelly, breathing a sigh of relief, "For a minute there I thought you were a 6 foot, man-eating chicken or some shit. Whew. That was scary. You really need a new hair-do. I mean....." Kelly faded off when she saw the man's glare. "Anyways, I think I'll be going..." She turned to leave, but ran smack dab into the same police officer from before.  
  
"You have to come with me to jail. Your friend is waiting. You must pay for your crime. Crushed fruit is nothing to overlook," he said, noticing Sano and Yahiko watching from a few feet away.  
  
"Oi Wolf, what was her crime exactly?" asked Sano, talking through the fish bone in his mouth.  
  
"None of your concern, chicken." replied the Police Officer.  
  
"Bwah! He called you a chicken too!" laughed Kelly, stopping when she felt someone tug her backwards. She was bodily dragged by the man to the jail cell. He unceremoniously hurled her through the cell door, slamming it shut. Kelly stood up and held onto the bars, yelling, "Hey! What the shit! Lemme outta here or else I'll..I'll...well, I'll scream! AAAAHHHHHH!!"  
  
"Oh, hello friend," said a voice from behind her. It was Jenny, or what appeared to be a broken shell of Jenny. She had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was a complete mess. "How's it going, Captain Ditchy?"  
  
"You look like shit." said Kelly, stating the obvious, "And...um..about that..I was gonna come back and you see..what had happened was..." Kelly trailed off, "I was just trying to think of a way to get you out!"  
  
"Uh huh, sure you were wench meister!" yelled Jenny, pointing the cruel finger of accusation at Kelly. Kelly cringed in fear and utter horror, "I've been harassed by more cock-eyed, stankity smellin' men then you could shake an ass at! Did I mention that they don't let you have potty breaks up in here? Think about that for a second, will ya?!"  
  
"Ewwwww assss!" yelled Kelly, "Unclean! Unclean!" She made a cross with her fingers and held it before Jenny, who looked more than unhappy with the current situation.  
  
"Hey babes," called a particulary ugly fellow from the opposite cell, "Wanna have a good time with a real man after we get outta here?"  
  
"Um..yeah. Shaddup and siddown," yelled Kelly,"I'm a wanted woman. Don't mess with me, mofo."  
  
"Haha! Outlaw eh?" called another guy, "That fruit you messed up musta regretted ever crossing your path. Melon murderer!"  
  
This caused all the other men in the surrounding cells to laugh hysterically.  
  
"Oh great Jenny," said Kelly, throwing her hands down in frustration, "See what you did?"  
  
"What I did?!" said Jenny, looking at Kelly all crazy.  
  
"Well, it's not my fault you got caught! Besides, you were the one that was getting all in a tizzy over the no TV thing! Don't blame me for your stupidity!" yelled Kelly, kicking the hay mat in the room angrily.  
  
"Aww, that's it!" yelled Jenny who proceeded to mollywhop the holy rhinoceros outta Kelly, who screamed like a little girl.  
  
"Cut it out!" screeched Kelly, flapping her arms right on back at Jenny, "Stop it! Are you insane! We're in enough goddamn..ow!..trouble..hey! owie!...already!"  
  
"You go girl!" called a random man.  
  
Another man started to urge the fighting girl's onward, causing an uproar in the prison.  
  
"Go bigheaded girl! Bite her!"  
  
"Whew! Look at 'em go! Punch her! That's it!"  
  
"Meeeeow! Cat fight!"  
  
"Hey, why pay to see women wrestle when you can see it for free in the slammer?"  
  
"Woohoo!" they yelled, passing popcorn around and taking bets.  
  
"You bitch! Let go of my hair dammit!" yelled Jenny in pain. She tried to get free from Kelly, but that weren't happening. Kelly picked up the hay mat that they had been sitting on and began to pummel Jenny with it.  
  
"That's dirty!" cried Jenny, covering her face from the moldy hay that was falling all around her, "Remember when I told you about the no potty thing? Think about that for a sec."  
  
Kelly dropped the mat like it was an obese, crusty, stinky brit. "Oh dear lord, you have serious issues Jenny!"  
  
"Haha! You fool!" laughed Jenny, grabbing Kelly and smacking her head into the bars repeatedly.  
  
"Oooohh," grimaced one of the prisioners, "Right in the coconut!"  
  
"Ow! Hey that hurts!" whined Kelly. Jenny grabbed her head again and gave her a patented noogie to end all noogies,  
  
"No fair!"  
  
"Oh, and beating me with a smelly old mat is fair?" asked Jenny, trying to get a better hold on her enemy.  
  
A guard came ambling down the hall. "What in hell is going on here?" he exclaimed, then rushed to open the cell to break them apart.  
  
Big mistake.  
  
He only got his ass beat down. Jenny punched out with her right, thinking the guard was Kelly and Kelly, well, she was busy chewing on a leg that she believed to belong to Jenny.  
  
Jenny opened her eyes, the heat of battle gone now. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. The guard lay completely unconcious on the cell's floor, missing some serious skin. Kelly was still busy chewing on the poor soul's leg, "Damn Jenny, you taste like..police guard."  
  
"Kelly, that's not me!" yelled Jenny, pointing, "And you ate some of his leg!"  
  
"Mmmm...." Kelly said, chewing reflectively, "Police Officer skin."  
  
"Let's get out of here!" said Jenny, pulling Kelly to her feet. The men in the other cell's called to the girl's, asking them to let them free.  
  
"C'mon! Give me the key!"  
  
"Yeah, we wanna go too!"  
  
Jenny looked at Kelly and Kelly looked at the guard's keys.  
  
"Kelly, let them go free, so they may run wild and undisturbed like the Great Canadian Moose," said Jenny, tugging pleadingly on Kelly's sleeve.  
  
Kelly looked down at the guard and then at the pouty faces of the prisoners, "I think not. They'll prolly try to molest us or some shit. Besides, they belong here."  
  
"Yeah..." said Jenny, "Well, let's go!" 


	3. Chapter 3

As the two girl's were about to escape, the same Police Officer from before stepped in front of them, blocking their way.  
  
Unfortuately for him, the girl's didn't see him. He got his ass walked over.  
  
"Did you feel something?" asked Kelly.  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Oh, ok."  
  
The officer was covered in size eleven Adidas shoe prints and size nine Airwalk shoe prints. He passed out, like the guard inside the cell. "Oi."  
  
"Yay! We're runnin' wild and free! Wild and free I tells ya!" shouted Jenny. People were looking at the two girls all crazy and shit. Not only were they acting weird, but they were rather dingy looking. Hair all messed up, bloody noses, split lips, black eyes, ripped pants, shirts all falling off, and looking like all around bums. Some villagers even started tossing coins at them.  
  
"Woohoo! Free money!" said Kelly happily.  
  
"Cha-ching!" Jenny chimed in. "Hmmm, I'm kinda hungry and thirsty. Why don't we use our new found fortune to go buy some grub. Like some cheeseburgers or something."  
  
"Ya know? I'm hungry too. Let's see. Hey this place looks like a good place 'Akabeko'. I smell foodage."  
  
"What does 'Akabeko' mean, anyways?" asked Jenny as they made their way to the smell of food.  
  
"It could mean pile of ol' nasty ass for all I care."  
  
"That's nasty. And wrong, very very wrong. But still, a side of ass doesn't sound too bad right now."  
  
The two walked into the restaurant like they owned the damn place. They sat their asses down and waited to be given a menu and served.  
  
Jenny patted the floor. "Hey! Can I get some service over here?"  
  
"Whatinell is up with the no table and chairs? Where are the utensils? Where's my ice water? Where's my complimentary b'edsticks?"  
  
A waitress walked up to them and did a double take. "C-can I help you...ladies?"  
  
Jenny looked at her all cock-eyed. Then she put her foot up on the almost nonexistent table. "Why you gotta say it like that?" she asked, dusting herself off.  
  
"Can we have a menu or something? Tsk," said Kelly, snapping her fingers.  
  
The waitress bit her lip nervously. "Menus? We don't serve that here. We have tofu, and miso soup, and beef stew, a western dish."  
  
"What the fuck is tofu?"  
  
"Meeeee-so? Toh-fuuu? What in the fuck? What planet are we on? Kelly, I don't think this is Afghanistan."  
  
"Hmm, I think I'll stay safe and order the beef stew. What's to drink?"  
  
"Umm, we have water and sake."  
  
"Ooooo, I know what sake is. Lemme have it!"  
  
"Jenny, you shouldn't--I mean, we shouldn't drink."  
  
"Yes we should. Come on, let your hair down."  
  
"It is down. It's fucked up too. Oh well. Yeah, sake it is then."  
  
Three hours and six kegs later...  
  
"This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is song that never ends yes it goes on and on my friends..." they slurred in unison.  
  
"Heyyyy, we needs sommore sakay ovah heah ::hiccup::!"  
  
"Umm, I think you've had enough..." said the waitress.  
  
"Nonsense poopy-pants. I'll tell you when I've had enough. Come on! Sakay for everyone, on us!" The whole restaurant "woohooed".  
  
"How are you going to pay for this?"  
  
"Pay? Don' worry. Weeeve got plenty o' money."  
  
"Oookaay."  
  
Things gradually went downhill from there. Free sake+Jenny and Kelly and a room full of men=oh shit. The riot continued, stuff got broke, people got broke, and Jenny and Kelly got drunk...er. Until the cop that arrested them and got run over by them showed up. Again.  
  
"Oi. You again."  
  
"Heeeeeyyy!" Jenny said pointing at one of the images of the cop. On the opposite wall of where he actually was...  
  
"I know youuuu! Yore the guy that arreststtdtsds...(smack by Jenny) arrested us!"  
  
He nodded. "And I'm gonna arrest you again."  
  
"Nonsense. Be a pal!" said Jenny, hanging onto his arm.  
  
"Get off."  
  
"Okay." Jenny said, with a wicked look in her eyes. Her hand shot up and pinched his nose.  
  
"Woo! Got your nose! Yes I do!"  
  
The cop's hand shot up to his face. Jenny wiggled her thumb between her fingers. "Here it is!" she sang, showing everybody.  
  
Meanwhile, Kelly was busy lifting the cop's sword and drinking a keg.  
  
"Hey Jenny! Look at me!" cried Kelly, "I'm a goddamn Highlander! Woo hoo! I think I just felt the Quickening!" She tipped back another keg of sake, "Ahhhh, Sakaaay!"  
  
Jenny was still showing the cop's 'nose' to everyone. "Ooooh, look at the little nosy!"  
  
The cop got his handcuffs ready. He walked up behind Jenny.  
  
"He-hey! I thought we was friends now," said Jenny, "Can't we all just get along?"  
  
The cop pulled her arms behind her back and cuffed her salty ass.  
  
Jenny turned her head around and gave him what she thought was her most flattering smile.  
  
To her surprise, he actually gave her a wicked ass grin, "Awww, you think that I'm just going to let you get off scott free just because of that little sweet and innocent routine?"  
  
Jenny nodded her head fervently.  
  
"Well, you were wrong," he said matter o' factly.  
  
Jenny looked horrified, "Eep."  
  
He pushed her ass out the front door. She rolled down the few stairs that were there and then landed in a puddle of nasty, shit water.  
  
"Sonofa--" was all she got out. Before she could say 'bitch' she felt a heavy boot on the back of her head. She was pushed face first into the mud.  
  
"Now you know the penalties of breaking the law," he said, picking her soggy ass up.  
  
"Kiss my poo' broke ass!" sputtered Jenny, "You crazy ass mutha fucker!"  
  
He laughed an evil laugh, "You're pretty feisty. Most people around here would never have the guts to say half of the things that you just said to me. I'll be a nice guy for once and lower your sentence...to life."  
  
"You bastard!!" screeched Jenny, "Now that shit's on!"  
  
Jenny ran forward, still cuffed, and started to beat the cop with her shoulders. "Take that! And that! And then some!"  
  
"Oh stop. You're hurting me," he said flatly. He reached out and grabbed her face, "Have a seat child." He pushed her back down roughly into the filth, again.  
  
Jenny remained seated this time.  
  
Kelly came outside and walked up behind the cop, "What in the fuck?" she yelled, seeing Jenny messed up in the mud like a damn hobo, "Leave her alone!" She leveled his sword at his neck.  
  
He turned around all slow. He looked scary. Extremely scary, not to mention pissed off to no tomorrow.  
  
"Umyeah...here's your sword back. I even cleaned it for you cuz you seem like such a nice--"  
  
::BOW!::  
  
The cop smacked Kelly in the face and she flew like twenty feet in the air. She landed in the mud next to messed up Jenny.  
  
"At first," he started, pointing the sword at Kelly's quivering throat, "You amused me. But now you're getting on my damn nerves. I should kill you both right here."  
  
"EEEEEEEIII!" the girls eeeeiied. They clung to each other for dear life.  
  
"Git offa me Jenny!' yelled Kelly, pushing Jenny from her.  
  
The cop stepped forward. He got closer...and closer...and closer..Hey! That's too close! He backed up a step.  
  
"You'll be executed tomorrow at dawn. Death by beheading." The two girls cried out in terror.  
  
"Noooooo! Oh please sir! What can we do to appease you? Spit shine your shoes? How about iron your clothes?" said Jenny.  
  
Kelly pushed Jenny forward. "Jenny'd make a damn good concubine!"  
  
The cop stroked his chin. "Hmm."  
  
"Hey! I'm ugly! You don't want me! I'm nasty! Lookit me! I look like a damn mange infested monkey!"  
  
"You're not that bad."  
  
"You think so?" asked Jenny, smoothing out her clothes and hair. "Oh wait, what the hell am I saying? You hentai!"  
  
"Oi."  
  
"Pedophile!" Kelly chimed in.  
  
"Ooi. Enough already. Why are you still saying these things when you know you're already dead?"  
  
"We ain't got shit to lose!" chorused the girls.  
  
"Well, I suppose I could drop you off at the nearest bordello..."  
  
"Hey! That's not right!" said Jenny.  
  
"Better than getting killed," Kelly pointed out.  
  
"Nah. I'd rather kick you allllllll the way to jail," said the cop, setting his boot to 'asskicking'.  
  
"Awww. Goddammit. You remind me of someone...hmm."  
  
"Let's see what we have here. Mean. Mean. Disgruntled. Angry. Downright evil. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jenny?"  
  
"I dunno Kelly. I'm thinkin' about something that starts with an 'S' and ends in an 'aito'."  
  
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!"  
  
The cop, who had been listening to their conversation with only half an ear, lit a cigarette.  
  
The two girls looked at him for a full minute. Kelly was the first to get up, slowly. She held out her hands. "I'm just getting up. No need to kill me. Stay calm."  
  
Jenny soon joined her.  
  
"I would like to take it upon myself to apologize for our behavior. We are extreeeeemely sorry, sir."  
  
The cop raised an eyebrow. "Oi?" he said, then shrugged, tossing his cigarette away. Both girls pounced on it. "What are you two doing now?"  
  
"It's mine, bitch!" Jenny yelled, slapping Kelly's hands away with her shoulders. She tried to pick it up with her mouth, and got a full shot of nicotine and gravel. "Wheeeze, hoohohoo, aghhh hack hack hwagck. Oi. Remind me never to start smoking. That shit'll put hair on your chest. What brand is this? Straight-From-the-Fields? This ain't no Marlboro. It ain't no Virginia Slims neither!"  
  
The cop just looked at her for a second, then started laughing his ass off. "You two are fucking insane!" He leaned over and undid Jenny's hand cuffs, thinking she was incapacitated enough not to try anything else. Bad idea. She started to feel on his legs. Kelly was trying to pull her away.  
  
"Jenny, I'd stop that if I were you. He's starting to look pissed off again."  
  
"He's a damn anime character. What's he gonna do? Boot me?" BOW! "I guess so. Oooorooo."  
  
"You're not funny," said the cop.  
  
"If I ain't funny, then you ain't Saito!" Jenny said, then quickly covered her mouth.  
  
"Great. Perfect. You just had to open your big mouth. Now he's gonna think we're spies or some shit."  
  
"Hm? You know my name. Who's your boss?"  
  
"Ronald," Jenny said seriously.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Ronald McDonald."  
  
"You dumbass. Goober," Kelly said disgustedly. "Christ, when God passed out intelligence, you sure got shafted."  
  
"I was thinking about letting you go, but now..." he pulled out another cigarette. "I have a special room for you back at the jail."  
  
"Special? Oooo! With balloons and clowns and stuff?" Jenny said happily and clapping her hands. Kelly rolled her eyes and smacked herself in the head.  
  
"Yes, special. Just for you," he said, with a kind of scary smile on his face.  
  
"Ooh, he's so nice all of a sudden."  
  
"That's not good, Jenny," Kelly said. "Special is right."  
  
"Heyyy!"  
  
"Let's go, spies!" he said, hand cuffing them both. 


	4. Chapter 4

Back at the jail...  
  
"Hey! It's the melon crushers! Welcome back to paradise ladies!" called a random prisoner.  
  
"See my bum?" asked Kelly, pointing at her ass with her cuffed hands, "Kiss it!"  
  
"Yeah," cried Jenny as she was getting dragged along by the cop, "We get to go to the 'special' room! You're just jealous!"  
  
"Oh yeah baby," laughed another thug, "We're just dying to go to the torture room! Ha ha ha ha ha!"  
  
"Torture?!" cried Jenny, "No one said anything about torture!"  
  
Kelly rolled her eyes again, "Delayed reaction much?"  
  
"Don't you two worry," said the cop, "I'll go 'easy' on you since you seem to be ignorant oafs."  
  
"Hey! I ain't no oaf you ape of a man!" yelled Jenny, instantly regretting her words.  
  
He turned to her and got all up in her grill, "Well, I'll go 'moderate' on you since you seem to be so enthusiastic about being tortured."  
  
"Woo hoo!" shouted Kelly sarcastically, "Go Jenny! Get killed! More food for me!"  
  
The cop gave her a dirty look that said, "Bitch, shut yo' ass up!" He chucked Jenny into a particularly scary room, slamming the door behind her. Then he pulled Kelly further down the hall, stopping in front of an office.  
  
"You act like you're the smarter of the two," he said, having a seat at the other end of the desk. He gestured for her to also take a seat.  
  
"Are you really gonna torture us?" asked Kelly, watching him make little smoke ringlets, "I mean, that seems a bit harsh. We only got drunk and trashed an establishment and then insulted you a few times. And are you really gonna kill Jenny?! I admit, she is an oaf and a drain on human society, but c'mon!"  
  
"First, I want to know about you," he said, ignoring her questions, "Tell me everything you know."  
  
"Well, I was born on April 8th, 1982--"  
  
"I'm serious, " he said, interrupting her and sitting up in his chair, "If I don't get the truth out of you, I will make sure you both die."  
  
"I'm serious too," said Kelly, "I swear to Kenshin--er--Hiko--er-- Sano--er Aoshi--er God!! Yeah God! That works. Whew. Almost blew it there..."  
  
"So you work for one of them?" he asked, leaning further towards her, "Is that what you're saying?"  
  
"Ah no Mr. Saito, er-- I mean Mr. cop guy," stuttered Kelly. ::sweatdrop::  
  
"I think you're lying," he replied, "And do you want to know why I think you're lying?"  
  
"I really want to know sir," said Kelly, "Because I'm a Hiten Mitsurugi Master!!" ::Smack!::  
  
"Shut up already you little bitch," he said, grabbing her throat, "Don't fuck with me."  
  
"Wouldn't...gasp...dream of it," Kelly managed to choke out, "Jenny..maybe but--"  
  
"Maybe you didn't hear me the first time," he roared, "I said, SHUTUP!"  
  
Kelly didn't say another word.  
  
"I'm just going to leave you here to think about telling me the truth," he said, walking to the door, "If you really are smart, then you'll confess. At least you can die with a clean soul." He slammed the door, leaving Kelly.  
  
"Cockbiter!!" Kelly yelled at the top of her lungs.  
  
Meanwhile, Jenny was in the 'moderate' torture room. She was busy racing rats on the floor.  
  
"Yeah Skippy! You can do it!" she said to a really nasty, diseased looking rat. He was biting the shit outta the other rats in the room as he flew around the 'track', which was actually a crack in the damn floor.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked the cop, standing in the doorway.  
  
Jenny squinted her eyes against the bright light, "Mom? Is that you? I don't wanna go to work today! I have a tumbly ache. Fuck Ronald--"  
  
"Shut up," he said, lighting a kerosene lamp, "I got a headache."  
  
"Jerk," she snapped, "I thought this was a fun room! You left me in here with the damn rats and spiders! What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
He didn't answer her with words, but he did boot her again.  
  
"Would you stop that already? I'm getting tenderized," whined Jenny. The cop picked her up and dragged her to a crazy ass looking device. He strapped her hands and legs to the thing and took a step back.  
  
"Whatever floats your boat buddy," said Jenny, looking at him all crazy, "I didn't think that you were into bondage, but hey, I guess you're just full of surprises."  
  
He still didn't say anything back to her.  
  
"Why you so quiet all of a sudden?" asked Jenny, "What the hell is this thing anyways? Can I have another cigarette? How's about some sakay? Say something! You're scaring me! I'll talk! I'll talk!"  
  
"About time," said the cop.  
  
"Jerk," muttered Jenny, "Hey do you hear something?"  
  
Kelly's voice could be heard still yelling obscenities.  
  
"Dickless asshole! Shim nibbling assbandit! Oh boy, when I get outta here, your ass is grass pal. You donkey lovin' ape of a man!! Child molester! Oh wait a minute, I called you dickless. I take it back!! Do you hear me?! JERK!!!"  
  
"Your friend is colorful," said the cop.  
  
Jenny nodded, "Yes. Yes she is. So, what's up chief?"  
  
"I want you to tell me just how you found out my real name."  
  
"Your real name's not Saito? Oh my God. I am so sorry."  
  
The cop rolled his eyes and pulled out another cigarette.  
  
"Can I have one?" asked Jenny, eyeing the pack of nicotine goodness.  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok...."  
  
"Well, I'm waiting. Do I have to beat it out of you?" asked the cop, leaning against a wall that happened to be next to an evil looking switch.  
  
"No sir," replied Jenny, nodding her head, "I know that's your name because you were the third captain of the Shinsen Gumi. And that's what the subtitles told me."  
  
"Did they? And what else did these 'subtitles' tell you?"  
  
"They said that your first name was Hajime and that your motto was, 'Aku Soku Zan'." said Jenny, grinning proudly at her first time of telling the truth.  
  
"Uh huh." The cop didn't look too pleased, "Anything else you want to tell me before I push this button?"  
  
"You got a wife!! Named Tokio! She's a hooker!!" cried Jenny.  
  
The cop gave her a dirty look and hit the switch.  
  
"Ow!" cried Jenny as the rack that she was on stretched her arms and legs, "I thought that you said you weren't going to torture me!"  
  
"When?"  
  
"Ooooooh! I don't like you anymore!" said Jenny, "Eh, what am I saying? Hey, will you marry me? OW!! Guess not!"  
  
"The truth, wench, or I'll stretch you from here to Kyoto!"  
  
"Sounds painful. OUCH!! okay, okay okay! I'll talk! Stop the pain, oh, stop the pain!" The rack stopped. Jenny breathed a sigh of relief. "You're even meaner in person. Hey! Enough with the switch already! Moderate my ass! OWwwowowowow! Ack! Damn your sexy hide!"  
  
"The truth!" he growled.  
  
"Okay. No switch hitting. Hey, hey. No, no. No switchy. I don't need to be taller than I already am. Um, see what had happened was we were sitting in Kelly's basement, watching...the magic box. Then all of a sudden it got all bright and shit and then BOW! here I am on the damn rack!"  
  
"That's quite a story. And I should believe you because?"  
  
"Because...I'm cute. HEY! All right. Why would I lie? Do I look like a spy to you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Aw come on. I'm too loud and obnoxious and tall. I stand out in a crowd. Can I have a bath? Or some water? Something?"  
  
"I'll give you something..."  
  
"Chill with the switch already! You know what? I think Sano's my favorite character now. You can just go---ahhhhhhh! Goddamn that smarts!"  
  
"You know Sano now, eh?"  
  
"Hell ya I know Sano! We used to play dice all the damn time!"  
  
"Really? So, he's not only illegally gambling, he's also hanging around with spies!"  
  
"I told you, I'm not a spy! I'm a Jenny."  
  
"Hold on a second..." he said, hitting the switch one last time, for good measure.  
  
"Yeow! Wooooo, my pants broke! My limbs are getting a bit tingly. Hey hey! Come back here! You can't leave me here!" ::SLAM:: "I guess you can." 


	5. Chapter 5

Meanwhile, back in the office...  
  
"JERK! cough cough hack wheeze damn. Uh. My voice. Where the hell is Saito? Hmm. I feel an escape coming on." Kelly rolled off the chair, onto her stomach, and started inching her way towards the door, all the while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".  
  
The door swung open and hit her in the nose. She stood slowly. "Uhg. I give up. It ain't worth it."  
  
"Let's go, weirdo. You can go home," said Saito.  
  
"I can't go home! Not without Jenny! Wait. I don't even have a home! Where am I going to go?"  
  
"Not my problem. Get out of my office."  
  
"Jerk!"  
  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Saito said, and pushed her out the door.  
  
"I'm free. I'm free!! Woohoo! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Sakay, sakay!" she said, strolling past the torture room window. "Hey, Jenny! Whazzup? Getting tortured, eh? Well, them's the breaks. See ya!" Kelly passed Sano getting dragged in.  
  
"Illegal gambling as well as harboring spies. Saito's going to have fun with you," said a random guard.  
  
"Chicken man! How's it going? Remember me?"  
  
"Not really," Sano said, giving her an evil look.  
  
"Okay. Bye! Say hi to Kenshin for me! What am I saying? I'm gonna say hi to him my damn self! Later!" said Kelly, leaving the nasty ass jail.  
  
Kelly strolled to the Akabeko and went inside.  
  
"No no, I don't think so, miss."  
  
Kelly got thrown out. "Aw come on. I'm thirsty," she said, walking back in. The waitress started to chase her out again, but Kelly dodged and went further in. She ran past all the people drinking their sake and felt left out.  
  
"Sakay, sakay!" Kelly shouted, and grabbed a jug off a random table. She started to chug that shit down.  
  
"Pthbptbphtrhbpnbpp! What the hell is this shit?"  
  
"Oro."  
  
Kelly looked down and saw that she had spit out the foul tasting liquid onto a guy's head. A guy that closely resembled Aoshi. And another guy that closely resembled Kenshin was seated next to him.  
  
Kelly damn near shit her pants. ::I just goobed all over Aoshi. O my God. I'm such a loser!::  
  
"I'm sorry. Here, complimentary face cleaning," Kelly said, sticking out her tongue and leaning down near Aoshi's face.  
  
Aoshi held up a hand. Kelly started licking the hand.  
  
"My hand is not dirty."  
  
"Yes it is."  
  
"No it isn't."  
  
"Oro."  
  
"Yes, it is!" Kelly poured some of the tea onto his hand. "It is now!" ::Ick. This shit is nasty!::  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Aoshi, getting pissed.  
  
"Look, whaddya say me and you go get a room?"  
  
"Oh, you're a prostitute."  
  
"For you, hell ya."  
  
"Not interested," he said, and tried to ignore her. Kelly was going to have to get a-bombed to get her away from him. She made a sweeping motion with her hand. "One side," she said, and plopped down next to Aoshi, and started to hang all over him.  
  
"Aoshi, I think she likes you," Kenshin said grinning.  
  
"If she doesn't get off me, I might have to kill her."  
  
"Mah, mah. Don't worry. She's probably drunk."  
  
"I ain't drunk. I'm stone sober."  
  
"Aoshi-sama! What the--!"  
  
Kelly reached up behind her without even looking and punched Misao. Knocked her the fuck out.  
  
"Oniwabanshu my ass. Didn't see that comin' didja. Tsk. Ninja," said Kelly, snuggling closer to Aoshi, "So, Aoshi. Now that annoying bitch is out of the picture, what about that room?"  
  
Misao got back up unsteadily, "How dare you?!"  
  
"Oh, I dare bitch, I dare," said Kelly, getting up and towering over Misao, "You wanna rumble for this sexy bastard or what?"  
  
"Let's go then. No one insults me or the Oniwabanshu's good name!" Misao yelled, storming outside, "Wait for me Aoshi-sama! I'll fight her for you!"  
  
"Oh, it's on now you skinny whelp of a guttertramp!" said Kelly, following her outside the Akabeko.  
  
Misao pulled out her knives and crouched down, ready to fight.  
  
Kelly on the otherhand stood by all calm and shit, "Well? You wanna fight me unarmed skank? I'll kick yo' ass bitch!"  
  
Misao was fuming. She tossed aside her weapons and charged forward, "You're dead!"  
  
Kelly stepped to one side, letting Misao crash head first into a manure wagon. "That was a helluva lot easier than I thought it would be. Get yo' stankity stank stank away from me already."  
  
Misao's head was stuck deep within the steaming shit. She struggled a bit and then her body went limp.  
  
Kelly patted her hands and walked back into the Akabeko, "So Aoshi, are we ready to pick out curtains or what?"  
  
Aoshi stood up, "Uh, yeah sure."  
  
"Woo hoo!!" cried Kelly, hopping around like she had a manhandlin' Hiko in her pants, "I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna get married!" She went over to Kenshin and whispered, "Don't worry, that doesn't mean that we can't fool around on the side."  
  
"Oro?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Married? I'm not going to marry you," said Aoshi, walking past Kelly like she was a leper. Kelly watched him walk down the road, past Misao's stinky ass.  
  
"There goes one hunk of ass," said Kelly dreamily, "Oh well, he'll come around one day. Then he'll be beggin' for a bit of Kelly, that he will."  
  
Kenshin ran after Aoshi, but not before pulling Ole Stink from her shit pile.  
  
Kelly walked back into the Akabeko and helped herself to the store room, where she got so drunk that she became blind. "Damn, I'm a poo' black Ray Charles lookin' ass mofo," said Kelly, singing the pepsi commercial song.  
  
"You got the right one, Aoshi, uh huh." 


	6. Chapter 6

"Is that bastard gonna leave me strung up here all day?" whined Jenny, "I've been in here for what seems like forever!"  
  
"It's only been 1/2 an hour," said Saito, as he walked into the room. "Bring him in!" he called.  
  
"Why did you let Kelly go and not me?" asked Jenny, looking kinda worried because Saito was close to that damned evil switch again, "Not that I'm complaining. It's just that my idea of fun doesn't include being stretched to death in a musty room filled with vermin. No pun on you intended." She gave him a crackheaded smile.  
  
"Heh," he sneered, "You think you're really funny don't you?"  
  
"Well, I don't like to brag but..."  
  
"Well, you can cut the crap anytime," said Saito, "We'll soon see if you were telling the truth or not."  
  
"Police bastards! I oughta--" Sano was pushed into the room by two guards. One of the guards elbowed Sano in the chest to shut him up.  
  
"Here he is Sir," said one guard, saluting.  
  
"Good. You're dismissed," said Saito, waving the guards away. He closed the door.  
  
"Oi, Wolf, what's this all about?!" yelled Sano.  
  
"Ahou," said Saito, "I see you're as cocky as usual. Well, I guess you can't expect some people to change."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"You heard what I said chicken."  
  
"Ahem..gentlemen," interrupted Jenny, "If your done with your little territory contest, can we please get back to me?"  
  
"You are in no position to be talking to me like that little girl," said Saito, putting his face close to hers, "I suggest you just shut up. You're in enough trouble already as it is."  
  
"And I suggest you get your face outta mine before something bad happens," warned Jenny in what she thought was her toughest voice.  
  
"And what would a little girl like you do against me?" asked Saito, not budging.  
  
"This!" yelled Jenny. She spit dead in his eye. Jenny's just full of brains today, isn't she?  
  
Saito backed away, cursing and trying to wipe his eye clean, "Oh, you'll pay for that."  
  
"I warned you bu--OW OW OW OW OW!! Was it necessary to hit it THAT many times?!" cried Jenny, looking like Gumby.  
  
"Hey, why don't you pick on someone your own size Wolf?" asked Sano, "I didn't think that picking on defenseless girls was something that the Shinsen Gumi did, but you just proved to me what cowardly, unhonorable bastards you really are."  
  
"What?!" Saito snarled, his eyes glowing, "I'd have no problem killing a moron like you."  
  
"Let's see you try it!" Sano got up and cracked his knuckles.  
  
Saito tossed his police jacket aside and stepped towards Sano.  
  
"I wish I could enjoy this but I'm in paaaain!!" whined Jenny, watching the fight that was taking place before her. She saw her trusty rat, Skippy, in the corner chewing on some unidentifiable object. "Hey! Skippy! Help a brotha out!"  
  
The rat looked up at Jenny.  
  
"Yeah! It's me, Jenny. Remember me?" she asked.  
  
The rat, scary as it may sound, nodded in reply.  
  
"Good, good," whispered Jenny, "Now be a pal and help me!"  
  
Skippy ran up onto Jenny and squatted on her chest, looking at her with it's beady little eyes.  
  
Jenny smiled, but her smile soon faded when she saw that the rat looked damn evil. It started to drool like it was hungry and shit.  
  
"No! No!!" screamed Jenny, as the rat lunged at her. It started to chew her arm, "Rabies!! EEK!! Hey!! Help me!" But her cries went unheeded, the two men still in the process of duking it out.  
  
"Little help here?!" yelled Jenny, trying to blow the offending rat away from her face. "Wheeeeeew, wheeeeeeew! Go away little demon!"  
  
"Hey, hey Jenny," whispered a voice.  
  
Jenny looked at the rat strangely for a moment, "Did you say something Skippy?" asked Jenny, her eyes wide with wonder and amazement.  
  
"You fucking ditz!" continued the voice, "For Christ's sake Jenny! Did you actually think that the damn rat said something to you?"  
  
"Why are you saying these mean things to me?" cried Jenny, still looking at the rodent, "I taught you all you know about racing!!"  
  
A random pebble was flung at Jenny from the direction of the conveniently open window right next to her.  
  
"Ouch! Hey, who the hell's throwin' shit? It hit me in the forehead! Sano, you bastard! I saw you!"  
  
Sano froze, and Saito took advantage of the opportunity to deck the hell out of Chicken-man.  
  
"As weak as ever, letting a little girl distract you," said Saito.  
  
"Can't help it if I'm beautiful," Jenny said, batting her eyelashes.  
  
"Didn't I tell you before to shut up? Repeatedly, I might add," said Saito, looking evilly at Jenny.  
  
"Yessir." All of a sudden, Jenny felt a tugging on the leather straps. They loosened and Jenny slid to the floor, like a limp ape-armed noodle.  
  
"Hey, hooker. Get your Mighty Joe Young lookin' ass up here!" Jenny looked up and saw Kelly's head pokin' in through the window.  
  
"Come on, jerk," Kelly snapped. Jenny started to crawl up the rack. She stuck her foot through the window.  
  
"Goober, if you're gonna do that, turn upside down and I'll pull your feet through."  
  
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Jenny asked skeptically, but did it anyways.  
  
Kelly pulled on Jenny's feet. "Woohoo! I'm getting out of here at the speed of hey lookit me I'm escapin'!" Jenny shouted. Saito turned away from the pile of Sano at his feet.  
  
"What's going on over here?" he asked, and saw Jenny waving at him from the window.  
  
"You didn't see me," Jenny said, winking. She put her arms down to her sides and Kelly pulled some more. Jenny looked back, "Hey, watch my pants. You still there? Hello?" Jenny asked, when Kelly stopped pulling.  
  
"You're stuck."  
  
"What do you mean I'm stuck?"  
  
"Your goddamn bowling ball head is stuck!" Kelly shouted, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Um yeah. Well, get me unstuck cuz Saito's comin' over here and he ain't happy."  
  
"I can't believe you would try to get away from me," Saito said, coming closer. "You really are stupid!" He grabbed Jenny's hair and started to yank that shit.  
  
"Oh dear lord it hurts! For the love of all that's good and Kenshin, stop pulling on me!"  
  
Saito let go of Jenny's hair at the mention of Kenshin. Jenny flew out the window. ::POP!::  
  
"Yeehaaaaa! I can see my house from here!"  
  
"No you can't!" Kelly said, looking down at Jenny. "Ack! Saito's crawlin' through the damn window! Run like hell!!"  
  
Both girls started to run into the forest, down a backwoods road, and over a river.  
  
"Over the river and through the woods, to Kenshin's house we go!" Jenny sang happily.  
  
"Would you be quiet! This is no time to--BOW! What the hell did I run into? Damn brick house!"  
  
"Looks like Count Dracula from this angle. Blah, blahblah!" laughed Jenny, rolling around in the dirt. Her pants ripped even more.  
  
Kelly turned around and yelled, "I see London, I see France, cover up them goddamn underpants! Unclean! Unclean!"  
  
"Well, it's your fault they ripped in the first place, pulling me through a damn window, instead of saving me like a real man."  
  
"Yeah, anyways," Kelly said, turning back to the road. "Hey, you! Yeah, the big yeti looking mofo in my damn way. You wanna move your big elephantine ass outta the way?"  
  
"Kelly, um...he's kinda big. Bigger'n Saito..." Jenny said nervously.  
  
"I don't really give a flying penguin how big he is. I'm not in a good mood. First we get transported to goddamn Afghanistan. Then we get arrested. TWICE! You start smokin', we get drunk, I steal a sword, you get tortured, I give it back, you get thrown into the mud, I get interrogated by a chain smokin' psychopath, a damn chicken-man scared the shizam outta me, and now this...this big Attila the Hun Mongolian, count chocula lookin', wallaby munchin', man-handlin' Santa Claus look-alike is gonna get in my way? Oh heeeeeeelll naww!" snapped Kelly.  
  
The man slowly turned around.  
  
"Yeah, that's right, you better look at me when I'm proclamating about your mobile home lookin' ass!"  
  
The man was now fully facing the two girls.  
  
"Oh...oooooh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Hiko. It was all her," Kelly said, pointing her thumb at Jenny, who was in total shock.  
  
"Hiiiii...kooo. Hohhoohhoooo. Oh my anime! Hey hey, if you wanna punish us, we'll understand," said Jenny.  
  
"Filthy wenches. How do you know my name?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I'm filthy, cuz damn, I've been thinkin' unclean thoughts ALL DAY!" said Jenny. "I believe a spanking is in order here." Jenny turned around.  
  
"Face me!" Hiko ordered angrily.  
  
"Yessir!" the girls chorused, and stood at attention.  
  
Hiko pulled his sword. "Might I add, sir, that you are one hot mofo, sir!" Jenny said, saluting.  
  
Hiko swung his sword and cut down a nearby tree, hoping to scare the two girls.  
  
Bad idea.  
  
"Woohoo! That was awesome! Do it again! Do it again! Did you see his shoulder muscles ripple when he did that? Holy shit, I thought I was gonna die!" Jenny shouted happily.  
  
Hiko raised an eyebrow, then swung his sword between the two girls.  
  
"Hey, it's not as drafty anymore. Holy ass! My pants have been fixed! Thank you Hiko!" Jenny said.  
  
"I've always wanted my own fan club. Why don't you two follow me."  
  
"No problem there, right Kelly? Kelly?"  
  
Kelly's jaw was on the floor, and a steady stream of drool was coming out of the corner of her mouth. "Agahgahghghh, Hiko-age."  
  
The three people walked off into the distance. 


	7. Chapter 7

An hour later they arrived at the Kamiya Dojo.  
  
"Why'd you bring us to this piece of shit dojo?" cried Kelly, pointing at the building, "I thought you were going to take us to your shack o' love and teach us some much needed lessons!"  
  
"Yeah!" added Jenny, "I thought that you and I could...ya know..." Jenny trailed off and began to make little circles in the dirt with her shoe, her head down to the side shyly.  
  
Hiko rolled dem beautiful eyes, "Look, I don't know what kind of man you two think I am, but taking advantage of dirty wenches isn't Hiko's style."  
  
"Rrriiight," said Kelly.  
  
"You're telling me that you don't have any manly urges whatsoever?" cried Jenny, latching onto his leg and holding on for dear life as he tried to boot her away. He gave up after awhile and just dealt with the fact that Jenny wasn't going to let go. "That's what I'm telling you," he said, trying to walk in the direction of the dojo's front door, dragging the leg that Jenny was on behind him.  
  
"But you live in a forest all alone!" cried Jenny, "Aren't you lonely?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What do you do to keep your mind off of sexy babes like us then?" asked Jenny curiously.  
  
Kelly snickered behind Hiko, "Geez Jenny, why do you think his right hand is so built?"  
  
Hiko glared at her and Kelly shut the fuck up.  
  
"Well?" Jenny looked up at Hiko with puppy JenJen eyes.  
  
"I have sake." He pulled out his jug of sake and took a massive swig.  
  
Kelly's eyes got huge when she spied the jug of life giving alcohol, "Can I have a whittle teensy bit?"  
  
"No. Sake is not for children."  
  
"Why not?" Kelly asked, pouting.  
  
Jenny looked around for the children he was talking about, "I don't see any children..."  
  
"He means us Jenny," said Kelly huffily.  
  
"I'm old enough to be your grandfather, you know," said Hiko, getting ready to take another drink.  
  
"Please!" plead Kelly.  
  
For a moment, it looked like Hiko was going to give in and give her some... Instead he took another big swig and swished it around in his mouth a few times before he swallowed it with an 'aaahhhhh'. He smiled at Kelly and then put away his jug.  
  
Kelly kicked some dirt and then kicked Jenny for no reason. Jenny fell off Hiko and he took advantage of the moment and took off towards the front door of the dojo.  
  
Kelly pulled Jenny to her feet. "C'mon tard, let's go."  
  
"Hurry up you two," called Hiko, "My baka deshi is expecting me. I'm sure that you'll fit in with the other morons residing here as well."  
  
"Didja hear that Kelly!" cried Jenny happily, "He called me a moron!! I feel so loved!"  
  
"Only you would think that Jenny," replied Kelly, shaking her head sadly.  
  
The three stopped at the front door. Hiko, who actually used what little caveman manners he had to ring the bell and not just walk in like he owned the damn place, tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for someone to answer the door.  
  
Inside a woman's shrill voice could be heard, "YAHIKO! CLEAN THAT MESS UP OR ELSE YOU'LL REGRET IT!"  
  
"Awwwww, shut up you old hag," came the impudent reply.  
  
"What did you say?" she cried, accompanied by numerous broom making contact with head noises, "We have a guest coming today! I want you on your best behavior!"  
  
"Get the door busu!" yelled the boy, "I swear, you really are an ugly old hag with no manners."  
  
"Just wait until later...." The door swung open violently, smacking Kelly right in the nose.  
  
"OOOOOW!! FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND DECENT!!" she screamed, clutching her nose.  
  
"It's about time," remarked Hiko to Kaoru, as he pushed by her rudely.  
  
"Oh my!" cried Kaoru, putting her hands on her face, "I am so sorry! Yahiko! Fetch Megumi right away!"  
  
"No need," breathed Kelly, her voice strangled, "I'll live."  
  
"You're bleeding Kelly," said Jenny, poking Kelly's nose.  
  
"You bitch!" whined Kelly, clutching her injured nose again, "I'll teach you!"  
  
Jenny stuck her tongue out and jumped away as Kelly lunged at her.  
  
"Well, if it isn't the little jailbird," said a cocky male voice behind her, "Can't say you didn't deserve getting hit in the face."  
  
Kelly turned around and screamed bloody murder, "Ch-ch-ch-chicken!! Run!!"  
  
Sano looked behind him, "What are you yelling about now?!"  
  
"Jenny! Run for it!" yelled Kelly, pushing Jenny's frozen body away, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Move dammit! Do you want to be pecked to death?!"  
  
"Sannoooooooooooo...ooo...ooooooo..o..woooow," was all Jenny got out. She was busy staring at his fine self cuz he was shirtless as the day he was first hatched.  
  
"Is that your friend?" Sanosuke asked, pointing to Jenny, a strange expression on his face.  
  
"Uh...yeah. She is my friend Mr. Giant Chicken," said Kelly, holding her hands up defensively, "Please take her as a sacrifice in my place Oh Mighty Poultry!"  
  
"For the last time! I'm not a chicken!" cried Sano, following up with enough cuss words to shrivel a nun.  
  
Kelly opened one of her tightly shut eyes, "Wheeeew, it's only you. Thank God! I thought you were that damned dirty chicken again."  
  
Sano rolled his eyes and went back inside, muttering to himself.  
  
Kelly smacked Jenny in the head, "Wake up!"  
  
"Who? Wha? Where?" she said, looking around confused-like, "What happened?"  
  
"You just saw Sanosuke," said Kelly, starting up the steps, "Now come on!"  
  
Jenny managed to make it into the dojo and into the living room, with Kelly behind her. Hiko was sprawled out on the floor like some Greek god and Kaoru, Yahiko, and Sano were sitting across from him.  
  
"So, where is my baka deshi," asked Hiko, helping himself to a jug of sake that was set out, "It's just like him to be late. He never did have any manners. He'll always be my most stupid pupil."  
  
"Uh...Kenshin will be back soon," said Kaoru, "He went to have lunch with Shinomori Aoshi." There was an uncomfortable silence and Jenny and Kelly stood nervously in the doorway.  
  
"Ahem." Kelly said.  
  
"Yeah, what she said," said Jenny, looking at Kelly oddly.  
  
"Oh, please have a seat," cried Kaoru, "If you're friends of Hiko, then you're welcome here."  
  
"Hiko hangs out with an outlaw?" asked Yahiko, looking at Kelly, "She threatened me before and--" He was cut off by a sharp poke in the ribs by Kaoru, "Hey! What was that for you ugly goat?"  
  
"Shhhh," hissed Kaoru.  
  
"These are my fan club," said Hiko, waving them to take a seat beside him, "I met them on the way here and they were, of course, impressed with me."  
  
"Yay! Hiko fixed my pants for me!" laughed Jenny happily.  
  
Just then, Kenshin and Aoshi strolled in. Aoshi took one look at who was in the room, said "No," and walked right back out. Kenshin saw Kelly standing in the corner, trying to look inconspicuous, and asked "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Kenshin, don't be rude. She's with me. And how do you know her?" Hiko said.  
  
"She interrupted our meal at the Akabeko, first by spitting tea all over Aoshi, then by trying to lick him clean. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, she got into a fight with Misao-chan and threw her into a pile of cow droppings."  
  
Jenny couldn't help herself anymore. She busted out laughing and gave Kelly a high-five. Kelly was looking mighty pleased with herself.  
  
Kaoru looked over at the two celebrating girls with a stunned expression. "*They* did that?"  
  
"No, just the dark haired one," said Kenshin, not looking too thrilled that two smelling, ungrateful, mannerless weirdos were running amok in his home.  
  
"*I* can tell you a little story about these two," said Sano, getting to his feet. "First, the dark haired one keeps calling me a giant chicken." Yahiko snickered. "Then, the...her..BigHead over here gets me arrested by Saito because she told him that I was gambling. And I got beat down by Saito cuz she kept distracting me!"  
  
"Enough with the BigHead already!" Jenny shouted while Kelly laughed.  
  
"I wouldn't laugh if I were you," Sano said, pointing at Kelly. "You're no prize yourself."  
  
"At least I don't look like a goddamn chicken, jerk!" Kelly snapped.  
  
"What'd you say?" said Sano, balling up his fists.  
  
"You heard me, Chicky. What? You wanna make something of it? Pssh. Niggaplease. You get your ass kicked in every damn episode!"  
  
"So now I'm gonna get my ass kicked, huh? By who, you?" Sano laughed. Kelly stepped up to him and back handed the smirk off his face. Then she immediately ran screaming from the room. About two seconds later, there was a muffled thud, followed by several loud curses.  
  
"Goddammit! I swear to fucking God, if I run into this bastard one more god-fucking-damn time, I'm gonna...gonna...Goddammit!!" shouted Kelly as Saito carried her back into the room by the scruff of her neck.  
  
"You lose this, Battousai? Oho, I see your little...big friend is here too, eh? Why don't you come out from under the table?"  
  
"Nah, that's okay," Jenny said from under the very low table that barely hid her. Her legs and bowling ball head were sticking out, and the table was about a foot taller than it should be. "You know, I take back the spitting in your eye thing. That was wrong, and uncalled for, so I apologize."  
  
"Hmm. I almost forgot about that. What about the vermin thing?"  
  
"Ummm, nope. That still stands."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm sorry for breaking her out of jail. She was wrong and deserved to be punished," Kelly said, still hanging in Saito's grip.  
  
"Shut up. No one asked for your opinion," Saito said, shaking the holy Mr. T/ BA Baracus out of her.  
  
"Ooh, I pity the po' foo' who shake my ass!" Kelly said vibrating profusely.  
  
Meanwhile, Jenny was trying to sneak away very slowly. "Ayyyyyy!!" shouted Sano, pointing the forbidden finger of the Fonz in Jenny's direction. Jenny froze.  
  
"He--Hey--Haay--Ayyyyy!!! Nevermind me, I'm just gonna go out for some air."  
  
Sano looked at her cockeyed.  
  
"Umm, no, jerk, you can't leave me hangin' here like this!" Kelly shouted, still struggling.  
  
"Umm, ya, I can, cuz your punk ass left me about a dozen times, or don't you remember?" said Jenny, still trying to walk out.  
  
Kelly thought for a minute. "Hmmmm...No. All I remember is Aoshi...and Aoshi... and Aoshi...and holy shit I spit tea on his head!!"  
  
"You spit tea on Aoshi's head? Oh my God, what a goober! That'd be like if I grabbed a giant random sake jug and hurled it at Saito's head and he started to madly scratch at his eyes cuz it burned oh dear lord it burned and he dropped you and then looked at me all evil and shit and then I thought I was gonna die and then he stepped towards me and I shit my pants and he came closer and I shit 'em again and I wish I had some depends right now cuz he's looking at me like I actually did all this shit and then I realized that holy ass I really DID do all this shit. AAAAGHHHHHGGAHHHG!!!!"  
  
"LET'S GET READY TO SEE SOME ASS KICKIN'!! In this corner, weighing in at a whopping ZERO IQ, JENNY TARDASS BIGHEAD!!! And in this corner, some sexy chain smoking bastard that's about ready to kill someone!! Let's hear it for 'em folks!" yelled Kelly in her announcer mode. The crowd clapped wildly. "Ding ding!! And that shit's on!! Oooo right in the cocooooh, ouch that had to hurt. Don't worry Kenshin, we'll get that table replaced for ya. And that window! And that wall! And the chair, the door, the wooden swords, and that Sano, and the vase, and...and, oh hell we'll just buy you a new house!!"  
  
Jenny managed to scramble away, even as broken, bruised, bloody, mangled, and generally fucked up as she was. Saito came after her and inadvertently stepped on Hiko's foot.  
  
"Uh-oh, looks like the tides have turned against our champion. Big Mofo Hiko has joined the brawl and is pummeling the shit out of Saito."  
  
"First of all, Wolf, don't fuck with my fan club or my sake. Secondly, don't fuck with my foot!!" Hiko shouted, punctuating every word with a fist. Saito was knocked...ahem squirt squirt binaca ahh the fuck out!! "Are you girls ok?" asked Hiko, also posing a few times for them. Muscles and shit everydamnwhere.  
  
Much to Hiko's surprise, Jenny ran to Saito's messed the hell up to the point of no way plastic surgery could fix his mangled body side and started to sob. "Saaaaaaaaaito!! Wah!! Dooon't die!"  
  
"Tsk, you beast, you monster," said Kelly, looking at Hiko with disgust. When she saw dem abs and pectorals she opened her mouth again, "I'll forgive you if you walk around buck ass nekkid for a month though."  
  
"Git away from me wench," growled Saito, snapping outta his fucked the shizell up state and pushed Jenny the hell away, "I don't need your pity. And you're still going to jail, right after I kill that bastard over there."  
  
Hiko pointed to himself and smiled a wiseass Hiko patented smile, "Are you talking about me? Oh no, my pathetic adversary, I believe I'll be the first to kill you."  
  
The tension in the room was so thick you could poke it with a stick and bring it home to pa. Kenshin, Kaoru, and Yahiko stood to one side surveying the damage done to their home. Sano sat in another corner, chewing on a fishbone and daydreaming, like morons often do. Well, at least it was what Jenny was doing at that moment.  
  
"What kind of a man hits a woman anyways?" taunted Hiko, taking a swig of Sake-o-aid , "That was the only fanclub I had and the bigheaded girl seemed more enthusiatic of the god that is Hiko than the sarcastic, cursing girl. You'll pay for your stupidity."  
  
Saito narrowed his eyes to the point where they vanished from his face.  
  
"He's got Brock disease!" shouted Kelly, rolling on the ground with laughter. Saito's eyes opened and Kelly immediately stopped.  
  
"I am taking these two 'girls' to jail, where they will be executed," started Saito, "But not before my blade cuts that cocky throat of yours." Saito unsheathed his katana and went into Gatotsu stance.  
  
"Oooooh," cried Jenny, hopping on her unbroken leg excitedly, "You're so cool Saito! Even though you're a womanbeater!"  
  
"It seems that she has a thing for you," laughed Hiko, "She must be blind or something because compared to me, and you're nothing but a mangy half-breed of dog that crawled in from the cold: wet, hungry, and weak." Hiko pulled out his sword, "Come, I'll enjoy this 'fight'."  
  
"Mah mah," said Kenshin, stepping between the feuding men folk, "Please don't fight anymore. Kaoru-dono's home is almost totally destroyed. Please, can't we all just get along, that is?"  
  
Saito looked at Hiko and Hiko looked at sake and Jenny stared at Saito while occasionally glancing at Sano, Kenshin, and Hiko, and Kelly stared out the broken window at Aoshi.  
  
"What baka deshi? Did you say something?" asked Hiko, realizing that someone was talking, "You never open your mouth enough when you talk. You were like that when you were young and you're still like that. It's bad manners to talk so low. And bring me some more sake. Some host you are. Reminds me of the time you wet the bed..."  
  
"Shisho...." Kenshin looked embarrassed, "I'm not a child anymore and I think you've had enough sake. And I don't think anyone had to know of my bedwetting problem! That was fifteen years ago!"  
  
"Battousai," said Saito, adding his two.....fity cents, "How dare you talk to your Shisho that way. If you were my student I'd teach you a thing or two. I've never seen anyone be so rude and impudent to their master."  
  
"See? That's what I've been saying all along," sighed Hiko, shaking his head sadly. He put a friendly arm around Saito and preached his probs, "I've been the best Shisho that I could possibly be to this outspoken upstart, teaching him my supreme Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu and all of my way cool moves AND taking him into my home when he had nowhere else to go, and this is the way he repays me. Getting a simple jug of sake for his old Shisho is even to much to ask of him."  
  
"Hiko, was it?" said Saito, trying to peel Hiko's 346346343420 lb arm from him, "You're not as bad as I thought you were. Let's go and get a drink. My treat. We can discuss the finer points of why I think Sano over there is an 'Aho'."  
  
Sano lifted his head, "Oi!"  
  
Hiko nodded, "Sure, let's go. Come on girls. You look like you could use some time out of this dusty, dilapidated old dojo. Hey, Saito, wanna drop the charges on these two? They're harmless."  
  
Saito stroked his chin, "I suppose I could let them go free this one time. Even though they are weird and strange and the Bigheaded girl always gives me a headache. But the next time that they break the law, I have to uphold the rules."  
  
"Yay!" cried Jenny, punctuating the air with a fist, "We're going to break the law again and go to jail again!! HEY! My head is not THAT big!!"  
  
"Shaddup Jenny!" whispered Kelly, giving Jenny a poke in the chops, "Cuz it is." 


	8. Chapter 8

Kaoru finally snapped out of the trance that she was in, "KEEEEENSHIN!!! MY HOUSE!!"  
  
Jenny and Kelly could hear Kenshin getting beat down as they left with Saito and Hiko.  
  
"Kaoru-dono! Please have mercy!"  
  
"How do you expect me to pay for all this?! You have got to get a job! You're worthless!"  
  
"Orororooooooooooooo!!" @.@x  
  
"Ahhh, poor Kenshin," sighed Kelly. She busted out with some binoculars and spied with her little eye an Aoshi, "Ahhh, poor Aoshi. He looks in need of a good molestin'..."  
  
"Done and done," said Jenny, dusting her hands off and rushing towards Aoshi.  
  
"Jenny!" cried Kelly, but it was too late. Kelly smacked her forehead, "OH THE HUMANITY!"  
  
Jenny stopped dead in front of Aoshi, who was sitting under a tree trying to meditate in peace. That peace was short-lived.  
  
"Hi."  
  
Aoshi looked up, obviously annoyed at the interruption.  
  
Jenny squatted down and put her head on her knees curiously, "Whatcha doin'?"  
  
"I WAS trying to meditate," he replied, "Who are you?"  
  
"My name is Jenny," said Jenny, sitting down next to him, "And your name is Shinomori Aoshi."  
  
"How does a little girl like you know my name?" asked Aoshi, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"The subtitles."  
  
"The what-titles?"  
  
"SUBtitles," repeated Jenny, emphasizing SUB, "They know all and see all."  
  
"Uh huh...." Aoshi had the strangest look on his usually emotionless face.  
  
"They do though. Really," insisted Jenny. She looked around for inspiration, thinking of something to say, "So, what's a guy like you doing under a tree like this?"  
  
"I was trying to meditate," replied Aoshi, "I told you that already."  
  
"Ohyeah. Hey, you wanna know a secret?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"C'mere," whispered Jenny, gesturing for Aoshi to lean in, "Ok, you can't say anything though. Promise?"  
  
"Yes. Now what is it?"  
  
"Ok, you know Misao, right? Well, she is really a man."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"I was just as surprised when I found out."  
  
"Are you sure?" Aoshi looked skeptical.  
  
"Look Aoshi-sama, I ain't bullshitting you here. Do I look like the type of person to lie?" Jenny gave him her most convincing 'look at me! I'm not an escaped convict that likes to lie' look.  
  
"Wellll..."  
  
"C'mon! This is from a reliable source! Kelly's Anonymous! Take my word for it! Misao has a little Hiko under that skankfit...I mean, oufit."  
  
"I can't believe this!" cried Aoshi, raising his voice, "That sick little...I have to go and find that dark-haired girl who tried to lick me! She may be my only chance at true love....or a cheap fling." Aoshi got up and hurried away.  
  
"Kelly owes me big time," said Jenny, mentally tallying the amount of ass Kelly would have to kiss and the amount of Saito she'd have to hook a brotha up with.  
  
Kelly saw the whole thing through the binoculars, minus words attached to the moving mouths. "I hope Jenny didn't say anything stupid...wait a minute, it's Jenny." Kelly damn near shit a loady loady when she saw Aoshi Aoshi coming straight for her.  
  
"Oh Christ, what did she say to---mmmffftthhmmm," Kelly was cut off because Aoshi was busy kissing her passionately. When he finally stopped, he swung her over his shoulder like a ragdoll and made his way to a bedroom near you.  
  
"Oh wow," cried Kelly, her face like right in front of his ass, "I have so many people to thank for this Aoshi Award. Um...my parents for always teaching me to brush and floss, Jenny, for hooking a Kelly up, my agent, thanks so much! But most of all, I wanna thank all of the Aoshi fans out there that deemed me worthy enough to get it the hell on with this mofo. Without you, this could never have been possible....sob thanks!"  
  
Aoshi pushed Kaoru out of her room and tossed Kelly across the room, where she landed softly on the matt on the floor. "Let's get this shit the hell on!"  
  
As if on cue, Aoshi's clothing fell the hell off. Kelly looked down eagerly but soon her look of pure Aoshirific delight turned into one of horror. The place where Aoshi's manhood should have been was totally blank.  
  
"NOOOOO!! It's Generator Gawl all over again! Ken doll body!!" screamed Kelly dramatically, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"  
  
Jenny's brother, Egon, floated randomly into the room, "Dada dada, he's naked!"  
  
"Kelly! Kelly!" cried a voice, "Kelly, wake up. Kelly! Kelly! Snap out of it!"  
  
Kelly opened her eyes and saw Jenny's huge head and concerned face. "Wha---Aoshi?! Where's Aoshi?!"  
  
"Aoshi?" Jenny looked at her crazy, "Oooooh Aoshi. What about him? I told him that you said that Misao was a man and he called me a fool and walked away. You were daydreaming. C'mon, Saito and Hiko are getting away."  
  
Kelly shook her fist at absolutely nothing, "DAMN YOU!!" Jenny grabbed her arm and pulled her away.  
  
"AY! Wait up Hiko! Wait up Saito!" called Jenny, running after them like a tard. Kelly was right on her heels.  
  
"Didju grab my ass?" Jenny asked, stopping dead in her tracks and looking around.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just practicing," Jenny told her friend.  
  
"Oooookay," said Kelly, looking at Jenny oddly.  
  
The four of them strolled into town, and headed toward the Akabeko, the only place that served sake, apparently.  
  
"Umm, Fujita-san, those two young ladies can't come in here. The last time they did, they caused a riot," said Tae.  
  
Saito went into Brock mode and smiled. "Don't worry, they're with me. I'll keep a close eye on them," he said.  
  
"Only one eye? Come on, we deserve two at least. Maybe even three!" said Jenny, as they walked to a table.  
  
"Shut up. Can we have some sakay sakay?" asked Kelly.  
  
"No," said Saito.  
  
"Yes," said Hiko, at the same time.  
  
The two men looked at each other like the other was short.  
  
"Well? Which is it?" Kelly demanded.  
  
"I suppose it's okay. But not too much, and when I say stop, I mean stop," Saito said.  
  
"Don't worry. You just keep that eye on us. And by the way, 'ju grab my ass? I'll understand if you did," Jenny said, looking at Saito.  
  
"Jenny, it is a physical impossibility for him to grab your ass from where he is," Kelly said disgustedly.  
  
"Ahhh, but I know his tricks," Jenny said, winking at Saito. Saito rolled his eyes.  
  
"How old are you two, anyways? And what are your names?" asked Hiko, tippin' his jug back.  
  
"Ummmmm, how old do we look?" asked Kelly.  
  
"Hm. You look about 16, but you act like you're 10," said Saito, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.  
  
"Psssh. We're 19, beeeeeeeeeeyatch!" said Jenny.  
  
Both men looked at her crazy.  
  
"What is up with the flies?" asked Kelly, waving her arm over her head.  
  
"Have you looked in the mirror lately, Kelly?" Jenny said, itching her head. A cucumber fell out, followed by a banana, two oranges, an apple, three kiwis, a bunch grapes, a coconut, and finally a cantaloupe.  
  
"Awwww shitty, damn cantaloupe talkin' shit again?" Jenny asked the fruit. When it didn't reply, she punched it as hard as she could. The juice squirted out and hit her in the eye, causing her to get Brock disease in one eye.  
  
"Where in the shit did all the fruit come from?" asked Kelly, scratching her chin. "What? I didn't realize I had stubblies." She pulled it out and a giant hunk of sod came off in her hand.  
  
"We need baths. A few of them. I need a shave, too," Jenny said, propping her leg up on the table, all up in Saito's grill. Saito's mouth worked, but nothing came out.  
  
"Did you just mouth 'what the fuck'?" Kelly asked, shocked. Then she saw the reason for it. Jenny's leg was...well, wookified to say the least.  
  
"Woolly mammoth over here," said Kelly, pointing at Jenny. When her arm was half raised, a giant afro-lanche of pit hair came flowing out of her tattered shirt.  
  
Hiko was busy being amazed at the amount of hair that had accumulated on Jenny's leg, so much so that he didn't notice Kelly's pit hair dangling all up in his sake. He shook his head sadly, picked up his dish, and proceeded to drink. ::That's funny,:: he thought, ::Sake usually doesn't get stuck in my teeth... It usually doesn't smell like ass and feet, either.::  
  
::I'm not gonna say a damn thing about Hiko drinking hair,:: thought Saito, grinning evilly.  
  
::Sunshine lollipops and Wolfwoods everywhere spiky spiky Saito Saito:: thought Jenny, mentally singing, and head bobbing to the 'music'.  
  
::NASTY!:: thought Kelly. "Hey, Hiko, you've got a tribble in your sake. HEY!! Tae! What's with the hair?"  
  
Tae walked over and her mouth dropped in astonishment at "The Hair".  
  
"What? Something on my face?"  
  
Jenny, meanwhile, was busy laughing her ass off at Kelly's jungle feevah. "Is that Cousin It hidden under your arm, or do you need to shave?"  
  
Kelly busted out with some sunglasses and stuck them into her pit beard. "Mmrmrfmmfgmrmmrmememmmfgdfgfrrdfd," occasionally shaking her arm for emphasis.  
  
"THAT"S ENOUGH!! Baths for you, now!!" Saito said, losing his patience, and his control on his stomach. "Bllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh," all over Hiko's white mantle. Hiko looked down at his mantle, then at Saito, then to his cup. His eyes got wider and wider until finally, 'it' happened.  
  
"Ooooooooooooooohrooooooooohhhh oooblaaaaaaahhhhhh!!" all over Saito's uniform.  
  
"This place smells like arse!!" Kelly cried, looking for an escape route. 


	9. Chapter 9

2 hours later...  
  
"I actually feel clean. What are we going to do about clothes, though?" Jenny asked, sitting in the middle of a pond, dirt and hair free. Kelly sat next to her, shivering.  
  
"Little help, please!! Hey, guys!! Can you get us some clothes?" Kelly shouted to the two men, who were seated far away, and upwind.  
  
"No," Hiko said. "No fan club of Hiko's is gonna have hair like that."  
  
"We're clean-shaven!" Kelly shouted again.  
  
"Hey, what about where we're gonna sleep?" Jenny asked.  
  
"Figure it out," Saito said, wringing out his police coat.  
  
"Bastard," Jenny muttered.  
  
"I heard that," Saito said, then tossed some clothes in their general direction, which landed on the shore.  
  
"PUNK!!"  
  
"JERK!!!"  
  
"I heard that too."  
  
Kelly flipped him off. "Didja hear this?"  
  
"What about it?"  
  
Kelly rolled her eyes. "It means 'fuck you'!" she shouted.  
  
Saito and Hiko walked away, leaving the two girls to fend for themselves. It was starting to get dark, and the girls were shivering raisins in the freezing pond.  
  
"Way to go, Kelly. Clap Clap. Way to piss off the men folk. Now how are we going to get our clothes?"  
  
"Magic, dork. Use your own two feet and walk out to get our clothes."  
  
"Me? I ain't gettin' shit!"  
  
"Well, your breastasis are too close to me, so back the hell off!"  
  
"Listen here, Chesty LaRue..."  
  
"Look, on the count of three, we run for it. Just look straight ahead, go as fast as you can, and put dem clothes on immediately. No one will see us, it's dark.  
  
"One.."  
  
"Two..."  
  
"THREE!!"  
  
"Chicka chicka bowwow chicka chicka woow!"  
  
"Kelly, chill with the porno music!!"  
  
"Let the pornos begin!!"  
  
"Shut up, Kelly!!" Jenny yelled, as she rapidly put her clothes on.  
  
"Haaaaagckkk, waagk, eeegkkk, tooey!!"  
  
"Whatinell was that? Sounds like a dying giraffe," Kelly said smartithly.  
  
"I didn't need to see that," said a growly voice from their right. "I almost swallowed my fish bone."  
  
"You saw us naked?" asked Jenny.  
  
"Your turn!" Kelly said.  
  
"I think not. What were you doing?" asked Sanosuke, a look of total disgust on his face.  
  
"Taking a bath."  
  
"In a public pond? Never mind. I don't want to know," he said, putting his hands in his pockets and walking away.  
  
"Hey, hey, wait a sec. Don't leave yet. We don't have a place to stay for the night. Saito and Hiko ditched us because we made them barf!" Jenny said plaintively.  
  
Sano stopped in his tracks at the mention of Saito making an ass of himself. "Oi! I gotta hear this. Come on."  
  
"Woohoo!!" they said together.  
  
"Lemme get this straight," Sano said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "You two went out with Saito and Hiko and you got *hair* in their tea?"  
  
"Sake. It was hair in their sake. Except it was tea for Saito," said Kelly.  
  
"Yeah, and we didn't exactly go out with them. Hehehe. We just kinda tagged along. And then they left us cold and nekkid in the middle of that pond," finished Jenny.  
  
"I suppose you expect me to let you stay here?" Sano asked.  
  
"Well, yeah. Unless you wanna take us back to Kaoru's house," said Kelly.  
  
"Oh my God! Kelly, we got a problem! My CD player is missing! And it had my Rurouni Kenshin best song collection 2 in it! I bet I dropped it at the jail!"  
  
"So what are you trying to say?"  
  
"We gotta go back. We gotta go back...to the Saito!"  
  
"ARE YOU INSANE?!?! That man will fuck us up on sight!"  
  
"Hehehehehehehehe, Sight-oooooo. Heeeheee!"  
  
"Okay, no."  
  
"I just wanna go back for my CD player! Come on, that CD was expensive, I can't afford to buy another one! You know Anime Guy prolly won't even have another one!"  
  
"Damn ape-man. Okay, how about we go tomorrow night. This has been a looooooong mutha-fuckin day. I just wanna go to sleep," said Kelly.  
  
"I guess. Sano, can we sleep here for tonight? I don't mind sharing a bed with you, and I promise we'll be out of your hair by next week at the latest," said Jenny, looking up at Sano with puppy Jen-Jen eyes.  
  
"Sure, you can stay here, but you'll have to sleep outside!" he said, pushing them out and slamming the door.  
  
"This some bullshit here," said Kelly.  
  
"Ain't this a bitch? This shit is wrawng."  
  
So, Jenny and Kelly spent the night fending for their lives in the rough ruffian row. In the morning, they woke up, as people usually do.  
  
"Ahhhh, that was the worst night ever!" cried Kelly, rubbing the back of her neck.  
  
Beside her Jenny sat up and cracked her neck, "That jerk! Later on we gotta find some eggs."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To fuck up his house, that's why dammit! Now let's go and get my Saito, I mean CD player!"  
  
A few hours later, the two managed to find their way to the police station once again. Jenny started up the front steps, a determined expression on her face. Kelly pulled her back.  
  
"What the hell you doin'? We can't just walk up in there!," said Kelly, talking like the black lady from Ghostbusters, "We need some sort of disguise otherwise Saito will kill us!"  
  
"Mmmm...Saito," said Jenny, a dreamy expression on her face. Kelly slapped her and brought her out of Saitoland.  
  
"Ok, here's the plan, I'm Kaoru and you're Jin-e."  
  
"What?? I don't wanna be him! He's the biggest Gambit ripoff since...Gambit!" cried Jenny.  
  
"Too bad! Now get Cajun bitch!" Kelly yelled back, pulling her hair into a Kaoru-like ponytail.  
  
Jenny groaned pulled out a deck of cards, "I'm done. Am I Jin-e or what?"  
  
Kelly looked her over, "Perfect. Let's go. If anyone asks who we are, just use your fake name. Got it?"  
  
"Yeah. When people say got it, ask for their fake name," replied Jenny, not paying much attention.  
  
"No no no!" Kelly said, about ready to bust Jenny's head to the white meat, "Ahhh, forget it. Just play it coo'!"  
  
"What do you mean play? My mom says that I'm the coolest kid on the block..."  
  
"Yo' mama lied to you!"  
  
"Hey--"  
  
"Shaddup now, let's go."  
  
'Kaoru' and 'Jin-e' walked up the front steps together and pushed open the door to the police station. A couple of people gave them odd looks, but for the most part, they seemed to fit in just fine, or so they thought.  
  
"Um, yes," started 'Kaoru', talking to the first police officer she saw, "I am Kamiya Kaoru and I lost something here yesterday."  
  
"Oh yeah? And what was that?" he replied, busily looking through some papers, "I ain't never seen you here before."  
  
"Well, I was here and I want my possession returned to me, right Jin- e? Jin-e??" Kelly turned around but Jenny wasn't behind her anymore, "What the fuck?! You bitch!"  
  
"Excuse me miss," the police officer interrupted, "Please watch your language!"  
  
"Watch me fuck you up if you talk to me like that again!" Kelly yelled.  
  
The officer readied his cuffs... 


	10. Chapter 10

Meanwhile, Jenny was walking aimlessly down random halls. Above all of the doors there was Japanese writing that she couldn't read.  
  
"Gotta go potty!" she thought, looking everywhere for a picture of a woman in a skirt, "Where's the potty!"  
  
A door in front of her opened and a business man hurried past her, not bothering to shut the door behind him. Jenny peeked around the doorframe carefully. It was an office and a large desk sat empty in the center. Jenny's mouth dropped open. Her CD player! It was on the desk! She pushed past the door and went straight for the desk, not hearing the door close and lock behind her. Above the door there was a nameplate that read: Saito Hajime.  
  
Jenny picked up her CD player and hugged it happily. She put it in her pocket and looked around the room. It was a pretty nice office. There was a large plant in one corner and lots of paper stacked up on the desk. Jenny squinted hard at the writing. It was no use, those Japanese had to make everything difficult. Whatever happened to good old pictures? Jenny sat in the large chair and pretended to be an executive.  
  
"Haha! You're fired!" she pointed at the plant, "And you too stack of paper!" She swung her hand out and the whole pile fluttered to the ground in a messy heap.  
  
"Oops," Jenny said guiltily, "Oh well, can't be helped." She was about to get up and leave the room when she heard the sound of keys jingling in the lock. She ducked down under the desk quickly. From beneath the desk, she spied two black boots walking her way and stopping dead in front of the scattered papers.  
  
"Yare yare," said a male voice and a hand scooped up some of the papers.  
  
Jenny had never stayed so still in her entire life on Earth. She didn't even breathe, she was so scared. The chair was pulled out from the desk and she was forced to crawl further under the tight space as the man took a seat. The sound of a pen writing could be heard overhead, as well as other unidentified sounds. Jenny rolled her eyes and shifted her leg, so it wouldn't fall asleep.  
  
"So, how long are you planning on staying under there?" the man asked.  
  
Jenny figured he wasn't talking to her so she remained quiet.  
  
"I asked you a question," came the voice again, as well as a nicely aimed kick.  
  
"Well what the hell?! How you gonna just kick someone all hard like that? With a boot?" Jenny cried, trying to avoid getting booted some more. "Can I get out dis mutha or what? I'm on a mission! I must find my future baby's daddy! Move it assnibbler!"  
  
"I know you're not speaking to me like that," continued the man, "You're not in any position to talk back."  
  
"Who the hell do you think you are? I am Queen Gambit of the Bayou. Do you know what a Cajun person can do to you? I will fuck yo' ass up, bwoi! Now, let me outta here fo' I go Woody Harrelson on your ass!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me! I'm talkin' about Cheers, mutha fucka, where everybody know yo' goddamn name! Talkin' 'bout Norm! Frasier! Cliff! Diane! Sam! Don't make me go Three's Company up in heah!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Come and knock on my door! We'll be waiting for you! Hers and hers and his three's company too! Doodo doo doo!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"What! Don't make me bust out with some Grandpa Munster!" Jenny yelled, and started beating the holy al capone out of the man's legs. ::Hmm:: she thought, ::These legs feel familiar:: Jenny started lifting the pants leg. The man pushed back the chair and looked down at her.  
  
"Holy shit! Saito!" Jenny screeched, and backed up, taking the desk with her. She backed right into the door, so there was no escape. In a moment of inspiration, Jenny jumped up on the desk and lay there, seductively. Or, as seductive as she could get, lookin like a homeless bum from downtown Milwaukee beggin for change.  
  
"Ehhhehehehe, now that I've got you all to myself, why don't we...get comfortable?" Jenny asked. "Let's get it on, baby," she said, sounding like Barry White just invaded her throat.  
  
Saito only shook his head, totally unfazed by Jenny's 'charms'. "Look here, 'Jenny', I think you owe me for the cost of cleaning my uniform. Tokio spent a long time getting out all the stains."  
  
"I don't give a fuuuhck! I don't care if it took her three goddamn years! I don't owe you shit! Come to think of it, you owe me! Yeah, you owe me a good hmmm...I'd say three or four days of Saito-loving-care! You owe me for the mud pile you pushed me into, TWICE! You owe me for getting me addicted to cigarettes! You owe me for torturing me on the mutha fuckin rack! You owe me for puttin up with those goddamn vermin in the torture chamber! You owe me for the innumerable random boot downs and beats! For leaving me in the middle of a pond with a naked woman! For leaving me in the middle of a pond naked! For forcing me to sleep outside on Ruffian's Row! For stealin' my CD player! For kicking me while I was under your desk! And that brings us to the present!" By now, Jenny was all up in Saito's grill, and poking him every time she mentioned an incident.  
  
Saito was leaning way back, trying to get away from the psychopath before him. Suddenly, and for reasons unknown, he fell out the window behind him.  
  
CRUNCH!! Ooooo, right on Kelly's coconut.  
  
"Thanks for breaking my fall," Saito said, and dusted himself off.  
  
"No problem," Kelly wheezed.  
  
"Umm, I think I owe you for that!" Jenny called, poking her head out of the window.  
  
Five minutes, two interrogations, and about a dozen stretches later...  
  
"Jerk," Kelly said through her Angelina Jolie lookin lips.  
  
Jenny smacked her friend. "Don't call Saito-sama a jerk, you jerk! Show some fuckin respect, you penis molester!"  
  
"Hey, you know I gave that up! Well, since Aoshi don't live where we come from."  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Saito roared, and kicked both chairs away from him. "Now listen up! Since I can't let you out of my sight, and I can't keep you in jail, do you know what I have to do now, because of you two?"  
  
"Have wild animal sex with me?" asked Jenny.  
  
"Hey, what about me?"  
  
"What about you? He don't like you!"  
  
"Well, he don't like you either!"  
  
"SHUT UP! I DON'T LIKE EITHER ONE OF YOU!!!"  
  
"Not even a little bit?" Jenny asked.  
  
"No!"  
  
"A teensy weensy bit?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"How about if I was naked?"  
  
"...NOOOOOOOOOOO!! OF COURSE NOT! SHUT THE HELL UP! Ahem. You will be staying...withmecoughhackcough."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You will be staying with mecoughhack."  
  
"Enough with the coughing, Joe Camel. Staying where?" Kelly asked. "With Hiko? Kenshin? Ooooo Aoshi? I ain't stayin with that damned chicken man!"  
  
"You know, that's the only thing that keeps me from wringing your damn neck. You keep calling that aho a chicken," Saito said.  
  
"What keeps you from wringing my neck?" Jenny asked, batting her eyes.  
  
"Your head's too big for me to get my hands around. Now," he said, ignoring Jenny's shout of 'Hey!', "The chief has ordered me to keep you at my place until either you learn to behave, or we find somewhere else to put you. Whichever comes first. I suspect it will have to be the second one."  
  
"Whatchu tryin' ta say?" Jenny asked, her head shaking with attitude. "I know you ain't askin me to suck yo' dick is you? Cuz I will."  
  
"FWEAK!" Kelly shouted.  
  
"Hey, you said 'chief'. You mean...could it be? Fo'head?" Jenny said, ignoring Kelly.  
  
As if on cue, the man who owned the biggest fo'head in all of the eastern world, sidestepped his giant, rapidly departing follicly deficient ass head through the door.  
  
"FO'HEAD!" the girls screamed in unison, using their shoulders to shield their eyes from the overpowering heavenly light that radiated from his almost mirror like scalp. Even Saito had to not only go into Brock mode, he also had to bring a hand up to prevent the gleam from penetrating his almost non existent eyes.  
  
Jenny was lying on a beach chair with a giant metal fan and some sunglasses, while Kelly lay transfixed by the orchestra of light that played off Fo'head's squeakly clean melon. "Oooo pretty," Kelly said.  
  
"Fujita-san. Are these the girls you spoke of?"  
  
"Hai."  
  
"Well, they shouldn't be too much trouble for you and Tokio."  
  
Jenny sat up. "What? We're staying with you? Aww, shitty!" she said, and little hearts could be seen in her already dilated pupils. Even in the Christmas-like lights, little sparkles were dancing about Jenny's head.  
  
"Gooooodamn! Why couldn't we stay somewhere cool, like the Aoiya, or with Fo'head?" Kelly complained.  
  
"Fo'head?" Fo'head (Kawaji) said.  
  
Saito coughed nervously. "It's their term of respect. Remember, they don't come from around here."  
  
"Ah. They're so charming."  
  
Jenny and Kelly looked at each other. "He don't know us very well, do he?"  
  
"Well girls, it was an honor to meet you. Fujita-san, I'll leave them both to you. Have a nice few days off. Try not to give him too much trouble, ok?" said Fo'head, patting Jenny and Kelly on the heads before walking out. The two flinched away, sticking their tongues out in disgust.  
  
"*ahem* That's also a sign of respect in their native homeland Sir," Saito called after the bald wonder, tugging nervously at his tight uniform's collar, "Now young ladies, shall we go? Tokio must be done with dinner by no--."  
  
Jenny cut him off rudely, "Tokio Tokio Tokio. I don't give a bullsheeeit about Tokio. When we gonna get to me? Aren't I important? Don't I worship you, as a Saito deserves to be worshipped? I always be sticking up for you too, but what do I get in return? Not even a goddamn fondle."  
  
Saito just stared at her for a full minute, and then he turned to Kelly, "Um yeah, let's go."  
  
All three started down the hall, preparing to leave for Saito's shack o' lovin'. Before they could reach the police station's front door, a loud, raucous voice called, "Hey Saito!"  
  
They all turned around. Jenny and Kelly's eyes bugged out of their already buggy heads at what they saw.  
  
"Holy crabapples and peach pits!" screamed Jenny, while Kelly screeched, "Holy elm tree!"  
  
"I cannot believe what I am seeing!" cried Kelly, pointing in shock.  
  
"It's Vash the Stampede dude!" laughed Jenny happily, "The $$60 billion humanoid typhoon! OH MY GOD! Vash! Can I get an autograph?? Or a Wolfwood?! Where is that sexy bitch? Ooooo! I can't wait to meet Milly! We're like cousins or some shit!"  
  
Saito was totally confused, "Vash? Who's Vash?"  
  
Jenny shook her head sadly, "You of all people should know the legend that is Vash the Stampede. And you call yourself an anime character. Shame."  
  
"That's Vash," explained Kelly, still pointing at the Vash look-alike before them, "Who the hell else would look like that?!"  
  
The alleged Vash gave the two drooling girls an odd look, "Who the hell are these two?" he asked, gesturing to the tards.  
  
"We Sir, are your most hugest fans ever!" cried Jenny, walking up to 'Vash' and hanging on his arm. She reached up and started to stroke the tall blonde hair on the man's head, "Did your hair grow out or something? I don't remember it looking quite so...broom like. It also has a rough straw texture to it. Here Kell, cop a feel, will ya?"  
  
Kelly obliged, reaching her hand up to the tall man's hair and squeezing it gently, as if testing a melon for ripeness, "Hmmm...I think you're right. Did you change your shampoo Vash? You need some Vidal Sassoon or something, cuz lemme tell you. Dry. And will you look at these appalling spilt ends, Jen? Darling, you should really do something about that. That desert heat will just do a number on you." Kelly flicked her wrist gaily, as she offered hair advice to the poor bewildered man.  
  
'Vash' grabbed both Kelly and Jenny's hands and pulled them away from his hair, "Hey! Did I say you could touch my head? And who the hell is Vash?! Saito, what's the deal with these two?"  
  
Saito rubbed the back of his neck wearily, "I have the joy of babysitting these two for the weekend. They've caused quite a bit of trouble around here lately. What did you need Chou? We're about to head out, I don't want to be late for dinner again because of you."  
  
"Calm down, I just wanted to say that I didn't have a chance to finish that paperwork you wanted done for today," he explained, trying to keep the girls off of him, "Dammit! Will you knock it off!"  
  
"But Vaaaaaaash!" both whined, pulling on the edge of his red coat.  
  
"My name is CHOU! C-H-O-U! Now git offa me!" he cried, pushing them away roughly.  
  
Jenny looked at Kelly and Kelly looked at Jenny. A smile started to creep onto the girl's faces.  
  
"Chou!" Kelly cried, latching onto his leg.  
  
"Saito!" Jenny cried, trying to latch onto Saito's groin. He was too quick for her though and all she caught was an armful of air, "Damn! Almost!"  
  
"Ahou," he snorted, pushing open the front door and lighting a cigarette. Chou dragged Kelly out the door with him, trying to catch up with Saito.  
  
"So, you're not upset about the paperwork, right?" he asked cautiously, aware of Saito's mood changes.  
  
Saito turned around, "Right now, nothing could upset me. I'm going home to my lovely wife Tokio and a nice hot pot of kake soba. All that I want to do is relax. Come on girls. Leave the moron alone. Be sure you get that paperwork done by Monday."  
  
"Moron?!" cried Chou, flipping Saito the bird, "Why you....*grumble grumble curse word grumble grumble*"  
  
"Next time do that to my face," said Saito, his back still facing Chou, "....Moron."  
  
"Oh hell naw! Saito snapped!" yelled Kelly, slapping Jenny a high five, "What a jerk!"  
  
Chou looked like he was about to try something, but Chou knows better than to fuck with a pimpmaster 5000. He growled and stomped back into the police station, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Jenny looked as if she first noticed that Chou was there, "Kelly, what's wrong with the broom?"  
  
"Maybe if you were paying attention to something other than Saito, you'd know," said Kelly, smacking Jenny on the head, "Now come on, let's all go to Hajime's house! La la la la la!"  
  
Saito turned and glared at Kelly, "Don't call me by my first name. Ever. It's Saito. Understand?" Kelly nodded dumbly. "And before we get to my home, I have a few rules for the both of you. Mostly for bighead though."  
  
"Hey!" yelled Jenny, crossing her arms.  
  
"Rule number one: Don't look at me, touch me, breath the same air that I breathe, or think of me in anything other than clothes. I'm serious. If I catch you even in the same room as me, I'll make you sleep outside. Got it?" He eyed Jenny severely, but she just thought it was sexy, "Rule number two: Treat my wife, my home, and I with respect. I don't want either of you acting like the savages that you have been acting like for these past few days. That means no foul language, no drinking, no stealing my smokes, no calling Tokio a 'hooker', and above all, no talking."  
  
"No talking?" whispered Kelly to Jenny, "Can that be done?"  
  
"No whispering either! No communication of any kind! You both better hope you can mind read, otherwise, you're screwed!" yelled Saito, "Rule number three: Hands off! Don't touch anything in my home! If you want to sit down, you either levitate or stay standing. I'll assign you each an area, in separate rooms so that you can't cause me any grief. Follow these three rules, and I won't have to kill you."  
  
"Well, ain't dis a muh'a fucka'," Kelly said, and got smacked upside the head by Saito for her troubles. 


	11. Chapter 11

6 hours later...  
  
"Tokio! I'm home! And with the guests I told you about," Saito called.  
  
"Oh, hello, there," Tokio said, and bowed politely. Jenny and Kelly were both getting tired of being beaten by Saito, so when he gave them an evil look, they bowed too.  
  
"All right, Jenny, you get that room, and Kelly, you get this room. Remember what I said earlier."  
  
The two girls nodded, and went off to their rooms.  
  
"Peace and quiet at last," Saito said, and hugged Tokio. He sat down to eat his soba, but was rudely interrupted by a loud scream from Kelly's side of the room. "Goddammit," he muttered angrily, and got up to see what the problem was.  
  
He opened the door to her room and...  
  
"What the fuck is this? I ain't sharing no damn room with a twelve year old! What the fuck is wrong with ya'll, this is not a dorm room! This is a private Kelly room!"  
  
"That's enough, shit!" Saito snapped. "Eiji, what were you doing in the guest room?"  
  
"Playing. You never said we were having company!"  
  
"I did! If you'd use those big ears of yours, you'd know! Now get out! And don't talk to either of the girls that are staying here, got it?"  
  
"Yessir," Eiji said, and walked out.  
  
Suddenly, just when he thought things were under control, he heard another scream, this time from Jenny's side of the house. "Sonofabitch!" he roared, and ran to the room.  
  
Tokio was busy trying to fend off Jenny, who had picked up the futon and was trying to beat her with it. "RAR! Get thee away from here, you rabid Saito stealing hell spawn! Release whatever unholy grasp you have on my man's soul! Fut! Fut on thee!"  
  
Saito had to gatotsu Jenny to tranquilize her. She lay in a heap on the floor.  
  
"You got knocked the fuck out!" Kelly yelled, hopping into the room. Saito whirled on her.  
  
"Get back to your room, goddammit!" Saito shouted in Kelly's face.  
  
"No need to holla', damn. I'm goin' I'm goin'."  
  
3 days later...  
  
"Chief," Saito said, circles under his eyes, clothes rumpled, and hair messed up, "Chief, I need a break from those two."  
  
Fo'head looked at him closely. "Yes, I can see you do. Where do you suggest we send them?"  
  
"I was thinking a convent, but since that's not possible...They need more discipline than I have time to give them," Saito said wearily, trying to get his head in just the right position where the giant glare spot from Fo'head's moon-like fo'head wasn't in his face.  
  
"I wonder if Himura-san would take them?"  
  
Saito shook his head. "As much as we don't get along, I wouldn't wish those two on anyone I know. Besides, they need to be farther away from me."  
  
"Hmm. Doesn't Himura-san have friends that live on the outskirts of Kyoto? They have a restaurant, and I'm sure the people there could use some help."  
  
"The Aoiya?" Saito asked, surprised that Fo'head had brains in that snow-globe of his, not just light. He grinned evilly. "Yes, I think that would work. I will send word to them right away. Until then, I'd like to keep the girls in jail."  
  
"Jail them up again?" Fo'head was surprised how cruel his officer could be, "Isn't that a little harsh, Fujita-san?"  
  
"NO!" shouted Saito, sitting up in his chair and slamming his palms down on Kawaji's desk, "Ahem, I mean, no, Sir. I just think it would be much safer for them to be in a jail cell, instead of in my general direction. I wouldn't want them to get hurt. The little sweethearts..." He said the last two sentences through gritted teeth, trying with all his might to look, or at least seem sincere. "If you won't keep them here, then please allow me to escort them to Kyoto personally."  
  
"When?" asked Fo'head, spit shining his 'Earf'.  
  
"If it's not too much trouble, now. Please." Saito silently prayed that his balding chief would allow him to get rid of them once and for all.  
  
"Hmmmm...I suppose. You seem to have the young ladies in your best interests. Very well. You may use one of the station's coach's for the trip."  
  
"Thank you," said Saito, standing up and bowing, "Don't worry, I'll send word to the Aoiya right away. I may have to elaborate a bit, but I'm sure they'll take the monsters...err...I mean girls."  
  
"You're dismissed," said the Chief, watching Saito half walk, half skip, out of the room. Fo'head stood up and closed all of the shades in the office, and then he sat back down and aimed his head at a wall. He lifted his hands up, making what appeared to be a bunny rabbit, "I just love shadow puppet time! Hehehehehehe!! *screech screech* An eagle!"  
  
Saito walked through his front door just in time to see Jenny chuck a bound and gagged Tokio into a nearby closet, "That oughta teach ya to even look at my Saito! Snaggle-toothed whore! Toothless gibbon!" Jenny slammed the door, dusting her hands off.  
  
Meanwhile, Kelly had poor Eiji's head dunked into a bucket of swill, watching the simple bastard drown. She pulled his head out for a moment, just to pull on his jumbo ears. "You've seen me naked for the last time! Ya penis!" With that, she dunked him under again, before he could get a gulp of air.  
  
Jenny ran into the room, face painted with Indian war paint, wearing Tokio's obi around her head. "To the stake with him! Heya heya heya heya- ho. AYAYAYAYAYAY! Woo woo woo!" She danced around Eiji in a circle, using a kitchen knife to puncture the air with every 'heya', "Me, Big-Head Chief Little Running Jen. You, fucked up." She stopped and pointed the knife at Eiji's ear, while Kelly grabbed a mop and started thwacking him across the back with it.  
  
"Me, Fucking You Up Reeeeeeeeeeal Good Kelly Kelly," said Kelly.  
  
"You little savages!" screamed Saito, opening the closet and pulling Tokio out.  
  
Kelly straight froze where she was; her foot in the air, mop at the ready, dumbass look on her face.  
  
Jenny put the knife down, "Oh, you're home. 'Bout damn time. The soba I made for you is getting cold."  
  
Saito's angry face turned into a thoughtful one for a second. "Soba? I mean, what the fuck is going on?! I leave for a few hours and you two idiots turn my home upside-down. Get out! Out! Out!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"Out!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"OUT!"  
  
"But the soba I made..."  
  
"I'll eat it later...OUT!"  
  
Jenny and Kelly ran out of the house, jumping into the coach that was waiting for them in front.  
  
"Geez, touchy," said Kelly, shaking her head, "We were just having a little fun. It's not we were gonna just kill them both and burn the house down."  
  
"What do you mean? I have the arrangement you wrote out right here," cried Jenny, showing Kelly the "Kill Tokio and Eiji" plan.  
  
"Ohyeah."  
  
"Shit, here comes Saito, and he looks even more pissed than normal," said Jenny, face all squished up against the glass window of the coach, "And will you just look at that ass? Come to mama."  
  
Saito stopped directly in front of Jenny's mashed up face, causing Jenny to lick the fuck out of the glass. "Now I want you both to stop this nonsense. Behave yourselves! I have spoken with the chief--."  
  
"Fo'head!!" cried the girls.  
  
"Shut up! Like I was saying, I spoke with the chief and he suggested we send you to Kyoto, to stay at a restaurant called the Aoiya. I wanted to keep you at my place longer, but he wouldn't have it."  
  
"You're getting rid of us?" cried Jenny, a horrified look on her mushed face that was still remarkably pressed into the glass.  
  
"Sorry, but rules are rules. We have to go right this instant," he explained, getting onto the coach and sitting down next to Kelly, "We can reach Kyoto by this evening, if we hurry."  
  
Kelly was strangely silent for some reason. She simply stared out the window.  
  
"Hey Kelly!" hollered Jenny, "What do you have to say about dis bullshit?"  
  
Slowly Kelly turned around, revealing a giant ass grin, "Ha-yuck, Aoshi's there."  
  
"Oh brother," Jenny said, rolling her eyes. "You need to stop being so obsessed about him."  
  
Kelly's grin turned into an angry glare. "Hey, let's not get started on obsessive-ness, okay? I have ONE Aoshi poster in my room, and that's it! You've got a pin, a pile of pictures, bed spreads, cardboard cut outs, a fake Shinsengumi outfit, a stuffed Saito, that naked tapestry hanging in your bathroom, and don't think I don't know what you do with that..."  
  
"What? Saito, don't listen to her, she made it all up."  
  
"I did not! What about those aku soku zan draws you got? Are those made up?"  
  
"No, they're on right now!"  
  
"Enough!" Saito shouted, clamping both hands over his ears.  
  
"Aw, he looks like he's about to cry!" Jenny said.  
  
Saito glared at her, his gold eyes flashing. "No, I don't."  
  
"Ahhghhghhh, keep looking at me like that. I'm bad, I deserve it. You're really teaching me a lesson here."  
  
"Shut up. Hey, where'd your friend go?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Woo! Fly like the wind towards Kyoto! Fly like the wind, the wind! Look at me, I'm Sanosuke who gets fuckled uppled in every episode!" shouted Kelly, pointing like Sano.  
  
Saito went for his sword.  
  
"Noooooo!! Zero-stance gatotsu! Jenny style!" Jenny shouted, busting out with a hairbrush and brushing the holy poopy out of his hair.  
  
::Snap!::  
  
"Uh, oops."  
  
Saito looked at her crazy. "I know what it means when I say oops, but when you say oops, it had better mean something good. What was that snapping noise?"  
  
Jenny sheepishly held up one of Saito's four bangs. It had come off in her hand.  
  
"Oh my God, that's bad," said Kelly, poking her head in. "What did you do?"  
  
"Ooo, I just touched him, I didn't know he'd be so farking fragile! Calm down, calm down, I'll fix it," Jenny said, stroking his head, trying to calm him like his mother would do. "There now, stop turning red," she soothed, reaching down and grabbing his luscious ass. "There we go...ohhohohohoo."  
  
Saito pushed her roughly away, but unfortunately, Jenny's hand was damn near glued to his ass.  
  
"Let's talk about this, shall we? Boxers? Briefs? Dare I say it? Thongs?"  
  
"From this angle, I'd wager that it was nothing," Kelly said, putting her 2 cents in and stroking her chin.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Saito howled, and grabbed his hair back from Jenny, and firmly reattached it.  
  
Jenny and Kelly looked at each other and mouthed, "What the fuck?"  
  
"Damn legos and shit. How'd you do that?" Jenny asked, trying to touch it and find out.  
  
"None of your fucking business. Now, SHUT UP for the eighth time!"  
  
"Oooo, are we there yet? I gotta pee," Kelly said, dancing around in her seat.  
  
"Driver! Go as fast as you possibly can!"  
  
"Yeah, when are we gonna get there? We gotta find a bedroom or some shit," Jenny said. 


	12. Chapter 12

Between Kelly's dancing and Jenny's constant questions, Saito was getting a bit annoyed. But since he really couldn't do anything about it, he decided that he'd stick it out. Besides, it wasn't that much farther to Kyoto. How much longer could these two stay awake?  
  
Sure enough, both girls suddenly dropped off. Kelly was snoring softly and moving her fingers like she was playing with something. Jenny on the other hand was an entirely different story.  
  
"Mmmm....snkxxnsknk...smacksmack...zzzzzknk...who said that you could touch that?....mmmm...snknzzz...who told you to stop?....mmmm....oh....uh oh..."  
  
Kelly's head popped up sleepily and looked at Saito, who glanced at her, then looked back at Jenny.  
  
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....ohohohohohohohohoho!"  
  
"JENNY!" both Saito and Kelly yelled at once. Jenny sat up with a jerk.  
  
"Aw, I was havin' a good dream about...hell, two dollars if you can guess who was in it," Jenny said, winking at Saito. He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Wake up now. We're almost there."  
  
"AOSHI-SAMA!!" Kelly shouted.  
  
"NAKED SAITO!" shouted Jenny, lunging at him for no reason. He booted her. Twice. Hard I might add.  
  
Kyoto loomed ever closer in the distance. All three watched, as Jenny reassumed the luscious ass grabbing position once again.  
  
"Hey! 'Ju grab Saito's ass?" Kelly asked Jenny.  
  
"As a matter o' fact..." Jenny looked down at her hand, "Yes. I grabbed the bastard's ass."  
  
Saito stalked ahead, about an entire city block ahead, while the girls tried to maneuver themselves through Kyoto's crowded streets, trying to keep him in their sights.  
  
"You think he's upset about something?" Jenny asked, pushing past an old woman, "Maybe the ass grabbing thing was a bit too much."  
  
"You think?" cried Kelly, "I personally can't wait for him to kick your ass!"  
  
"I can't either!" came the sick and disturbing reply.  
  
Kelly simply shook her head sadly. "Hey, I think that's the Aoiya up ahead. Saito's stopping."  
  
"Aoiya? They should call it the "O YEAH!" Goddamn Aoshi in tha house!" cried Jenny.  
  
When the two reached the building, Saito already appeared to be talking to someone at the front door. He saw them approaching and waved them over, "Here's where you'll be staying."  
  
"Are you stayin--" Before Jenny could ask him a damn thing, he ran away, a trail of dust left in his wake.  
  
"Ja-erk!" yelled Jenny, shaking her fist at the retreating Saito dot in the far distance, "He didn't even say goodbye to his wife! When I get my hands on that ass...there's gonna be some futons moving up in this mutha fucka!"  
  
A woman came out of the front door stopping before the girls, "Hello. Welcome to the Aoiya. Please." She gestured for them to enter, "Everyone's excited to meet you. Saito-san tells me that you're not from around here."  
  
"Hell naw we aint!" Kelly looked all insulted and shit, "Don't you ever say that again!"  
  
"Ok..."  
  
"This whole damn land is a Marvel Comics rip-off," said Jenny, "Gambit looking ass."  
  
"Anyways, Aoshi-sama would like to meet with the two of you. This way please," the woman said, leading them into an office, "He'll be here in a moment or two. Do you mind if I leave you alone? I left something in the oven."  
  
"No, you go on ahead," Kelly said, sitting her ass down on the large wooden desk in the center of the room.  
  
"Yes....leave..." said Jenny shiftily.  
  
The woman was sort of startled by Jenny's fiendish hand rubbing and mischievous grin, but she didn't want her bread to burn. She left the room hurriedly.  
  
"Ahh, alone at last," sighed Kelly, "Heyhey, do you smell something in here?"  
  
Jenny was busy lifting some items like a thief in K-mart, "Whatever do you mean? The bread smell?" She tried to fit a large plant into her pocket, but gave up after several attempts.  
  
"No no no," Kelly shook her head, "I can't put my finger on it, but...I know I've smelled this odor before. It's strangely familiar ...and beautiful."  
  
Jenny gave her a cock eyed look, "I ain't no dyke, dawg."  
  
"Shaddup," cried Kelly, chucking a book at Jenny's spherical cranium. On impact it made a hollow sound. She didn't seem to notice.  
  
Kelly got up and began to sniff everything, like some sort of demented smelling hound. She smelled the entire desk, the walls, and even part of the floor, "It sort of smells like sexy psychopath over here," she called, not noticing the boot she had her nose touching.  
  
"Um ...Kelly..." Jenny's voice stuttered incoherently in the background, "Holy pie eating Pete!"  
  
"What are you babbling about now?" Kelly asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice. She wasn't paying attention as her nose traveled up a pants leg, and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go. "What kind of curtain has a belt? Or a lump?"  
  
Kelly turned a little and saw Jenny, completely passed out on the ground; a puddle of drool pooling around her hair. Kelly thought nothing of it though. Jenny was always passing out for no reason whatsoever. She continued sniffing.  
  
"Not you again. There has to be a mistake," said the sniff-ee. Kelly froze where she was, her eyes looking up but the rest of her unmoving, "Ahhh! My Aoshi-sama!"  
  
"Why you dirty little--!" Misao screamed as she suddenly appeared in the room. Aoshi was momentarily stunned, looking on in shocked horror at the grovelling Kelly at his feet.  
  
Kelly was too busy paying attention to Aoshi to notice Misao coming up behind her.  
  
Before Misao could get her skankity mountain monkey ass hands on Kelly, Jiya came in.  
  
"Oooooooh! Misao, treat our guests with respect!"  
  
Jenny, who had recovered from her drooling session, ran up to Jiya and started to pet his beard. "Zoboomafoo!!"  
  
Aoshi treid to walk around Kelly, but she clamped down hard as hell on the humongous girth of his manhood.  
  
Aoshi's eyes widened. "Get off of me!" he said, swatting at Kelly's head. She was not going to move.  
  
Meanwhile, Jenny was cracking up. "Hell naw! I gotta try that with Saito!"  
  
Kelly turned her head towards Jenny and said with a smile, "I don't think that's possible, I mean you saw the HUGE difference between Saito and Aoshi."  
  
All laughter left Jenny. "Bitch."  
  
"Whoa, whoa. I'm sure Saito's got enough for you to do that, but come on! Do you see this?" Kelly said, scooping up a pile from the floor. "The man has a giant penis!"  
  
Aoshi started to swat at her some more. "Drop that! That's not a toy!"  
  
"The fuck it ain't!"  
  
"Heyeyeyeye, let's get back to Saito here."  
  
"Aho. I left something here," said Saito, walking in.  
  
"Ah, we were just talking about it, I mean you," Jenny stammered.  
  
"Saito-san, I don't know how to say this, but..." Misao began.  
  
"Kelly said you got a small penis!"  
  
"Jenny, you hooker! I never said that!" Kelly said, still stuck to Aoshi's third leg.  
  
"You did! You did!"  
  
"She did! She did!" Aoshi said, putting in his two cents.  
  
"Traitor! Here I am, giving you more than Misao's underdeveloped ass can, and this is how you treat me? I'm hurt, Aoshi-sama."  
  
"You know, in the name of science, and my own personal enjoyment, I would like to conduct an experiment!" Jenny said, raising a finger. She made a lunge for Saito's crotch. Saito sidestepped, and Jenny flew through a wall into a large green plant.  
  
"Umm, I think you should get that checked," Jenny said, looking at the strange thing before her.  
  
"Saito-san, are you going to stand for that? She called your..."  
  
"I heard."  
  
"You did?" Kelly said, looking around for an escape route. She figured she could hide behind Aoshi.  
  
"I did. Shinomori, would you like me to relieve you of that?"  
  
"Saito! Noooooooooo! No yaoi!!" Jenny yelled, running back into the room and slapping his hand away from Aoshi. Kelly held on even tighter. Aoshi's face started to turn red.  
  
"Ouch," said Aoshi.  
  
"Am I hurting you Aoshi-sama?"  
  
"A little. Can you please let go?"  
  
"Nah. Sorry, nice try."  
  
While Saito was watching the conversation, Jenny moved closer and closer, and finally reached out to grab Saito.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Saito, looking at her all evilly. Jenny's hand froze where it was.  
  
"Uh, um, you looked like you needed some relieving..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, that big load you got in your pants."  
  
"Excuse me?" Saito said, turning pink.  
  
"It's getting bigger!" Jenny shouted, and busted out with some popcorn and took a front row seat.  
  
"That's enough. Kelly! Get your ass over here now!"  
  
"Or what?" Kelly yelled from behind Aoshi.  
  
Saito reached for his sword. But it wasn't there. "Aho. Give me my sword. I know you have it."  
  
"What are you talking about? I wish I had your sword. C'mon, frisk me, copper!"  
  
Saito rolled his eyes. "Okay, here I come!" he said, flapping his hands, and bouncing.  
  
Jenny assumed 'the position': hands against the wall, ass sticking out on purpose, legs in a vee.  
  
Saito came up, patted her once, and then WHAM!! He pushed her directly through the wall. He grabbed his sword as she fell.  
  
"You killed Jenny! You bastard!" Kelly shouted and started the ardous task of disentangling herself from Aoshi's not inconsiderate manhood.  
  
6 hrs later........  
  
"Goddamn," Kelly said, getting the kinks out. "All right, I'm gonna have to go Sanosuke on your ass."  
  
Saito gatotsu-ed her. 


	13. Chapter 13

Kelly awoke to the sound of unnecessary moaning. She painfully moved her head to the left, only to get an eyeful of Jenny drooling onto her pillow and clutching a mini Saito doll. Every so often she'd make scary groaning sounds.  
  
"AY! Jenny!" Kelly poked her sleeping friend hard in the chops, "Oh my God! There's Saito! He's totally naked from the waist down and erect like a mutha!"  
  
Jenny's eyes snapped open, "Wha? Where! Where!" She sat up, scanning the dark room for her naked Adonis in blue, "Aw fuck, he's not in here! Why didja have to wake me up like that? I was having a great dream!"  
  
"Let me guess. Saito was somehow naked in it?"  
  
"Wow! How did you know?"  
  
"Just a guess."  
  
"Oh, um...speaking of Saito, the last thing I remember was him pushing me through a wall," Jenny rubbed her forehead, "But I think he patted my ass beforehand!" Jenny grinned triumphantly, even though the entire front of her bowling ball was bruised.  
  
"Well, I'm not too fond of that bastard at the moment either. He gatotsu-ed me!"  
  
Before Jenny could laugh her simple ass off, the door to their room slid open. "Ohayo! I hope you're both hungry! You've slept the entire day away!" Jiya beamed at the duo, carrying a tray of stuff that was hard to identify as being edible.  
  
"Where's Saito?" Jenny eyed Jiya suspiciously, "And what the hell is that nasty slop on that tray? You surely don't expect me to eat that, do you? I am Mrs. Hajime Saito, and I will not be forced to eat that...Mmhhhmmggghhhh-" She was cut off by a pillow slamming into her face.  
  
"Shut the hell up. I'm hungry dammit," Kelly said.  
  
Jiya placed the food down in front of Kelly and Jenny. Jenny stuck her nose up at it, but Kelly dug right in.  
  
"Oh jeeeeesus! How can you eat that shit! It looks like a pile of boiled testies on wheat!" cried Jenny, watching Kelly chew a big spoonful reflectively, "Oh God! A section of it winked at me!"  
  
"Actually, it's not too bad," replied Kelly, "If you don't like it, then you can fookin' starve!"  
  
Jiya watched Kelly as she ate, like some sort of perv. "That's right, open that mouth wider. You got some on your lip, lick it off. Oh yeah, swallow! I said swallow!!"  
  
"Um, is this a porno or something? Git the fuck outta here you dirty over-sexed Japanese man! Unless your name is Aoshi, don't mention swallowing in my general vicinity, beeeyatch!" yelled Kelly, tossing the tray at Jiya's head with a vengeance.  
  
As if magically, the door slid open a crack and Saito's head popped in, "Uhh, Jiya, where are the towels. I just took a bath and I couldn't find any..."  
  
Jenny's ears visibly twitched, "Let me at that door!!" Kelly held Jenny back as she tried to once again rape her man.  
  
"Are those the little monsters I hear? You girls had better behave yourselves in our guests' house, or else..."  
  
"What is THAT?!" cried Kelly, her eyes bugging out of her head.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
Kelly pointed to the silhouette of Saito's naked body against the thin, paper door. "THAT!"  
  
"What? What the hell are you talking about Kelly?" asked Jenny, oblivious to 'THAT'.  
  
Kelly grabbed Jenny's round, circulant head and slowly aimed it to Saito's nether region. "Ohh...OHH!! OH CHRIST IN A HANDBAG!"  
  
"Now you see what I'm talking about? That ain't no third leg. And I sure as hell don't think he likes bananas. Or very large Plumpers..Bratwursts....garden hoses..."  
  
"What are you two jabbering about?" Saito asked, shifting his feet and thereby causing gravity to take its course.  
  
The two girls watched the sexy shadow sway back and forth...back and forth...back and-well, you get it. It was swaying.  
  
"Um, Saito...You don't need a towel."  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
"They don't make towels that big! C'mon Saito! Let us see your meat sword! Give us a whack, eh?" Jenny added.  
  
"Oh my kami-sama...Uhh, Jiya, those towels please!!"  
  
"Oooooh my pretty Saito! Ciao!" Jiya suddenly flung open the door, leaving Saito to the innocent eyes of the two girls.  
  
However, instead of being naked and defying gravity, he was fully dressed and holding a loaf of bread close to his crotch. A small smile crept onto his face, "What? You thought I was naked? Where are your minds?"  
  
"In the gutter, as usual," replied Kelly, watching Jenny's sad gaze.  
  
"Ohh, don't you look crushed. Did I spoil your fun?"  
  
"You nerd, " Jenny whined.  
  
"Yeah, anyways, breakfast is ready. So, if you're done ogling me..."  
  
"No."  
  
Saito sighed and then started off to the dining room without, them contemplating how sexy of a bitch he was.  
  
"Damn, Saito's a sexy bitch," remarked Jenny, licking on the loaf of bread he left behind.  
  
"Oooooh, you want some Jiya with that?" Jiya cried, undoing his pants.  
  
"NO!" both girls cried in unison.  
  
"Awwww, why not? You never experienced a sexy looking 90 year old like me?"  
  
"Uhhh, if I wanted cock, I'd go to Aoshi."  
  
"And I Saito. Repeatedly."  
  
Misao walked in just then, and saw Jiya with his pants halfway down his ass.  
  
"JIYA!!" Misao shouted, and looked away from his hairy ass crack. "Pull your pants back up and come down to breakfast!"  
  
"What is this? A routine occurrence?" Kelly said.  
  
"No thanks, I'm all sausaged out," Jenny said.  
  
"You don't have to eat, but please sit with us. We'd like to get to know you better," Misao said, nearly choking on the words.  
  
"Ooooo, I really want to get to know you ladies!" Jiya said.  
  
"All right, enough already! Time out! When did this shit become a damn porno?" Kelly shouted.  
  
Just then, Aoshi walked in. "Are you coming to breakfast?"  
  
"Never mind, I remember now," Kelly said.  
  
"I'm staying here," Jenny said, folding her arms over her chest.  
  
"Ooooo, why go downstairs when you can have all the food you'll ever need right here?" Jiya asked, patting his wrinkled nuts, sending them to flapping.  
  
"EEWWWWW!" Jenny screamed, and ran from the room. Jiya jogged after her.  
  
"EEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Get your nasty asshair outta here! Looks like a damn assfro!" shouted Kelly, leaving right after Jiya.  
  
Jenny slid to a halt next to Saito and sat down next to him.  
  
"Ooooo!" Jiya said, and plopped down next to Jenny.  
  
"Ewwww! Saito, please for the love of all that's good and you, get this nasty sumbitch away from me!"  
  
"Your problem."  
  
Jiya started feeling all up on Jenny's leg. She crawled on top of Saito's head. Jiya grabbed her ass.  
  
"Didju grab my ass, Saito?" He spread his hands. "Damn. Ewwwww, Jiya, get outta there!"  
  
Jiya ignored her and started to knead the fleshy globes. "Oooooo!"  
  
"Ewwww!"  
  
"Ooooo!"  
  
"Ewwww!"  
  
"Oooooo!"  
  
The whole table sat mesmerized at the sight.  
  
Kelly strolled in, with Aoshi and Misao right behind her. Kelly took one look at the situation and said "Whooooa, no," and tried to walk back out, but Aoshi and Misao were blocking her way.  
  
Misao gasped. "I didn't think this would happen..."  
  
"What do you mean?" Kelly asked.  
  
"I slipped something in Jiya's tea this morning to get back at you guys. I knew he would go after you, but I didn't think it would be like this."  
  
"You hooker!" Jenny screamed. Jiya turned his attention from Jenny's ass to Saito's chest, seemingly getting confused between the two bodies.  
  
"Ooooo, you're kinda flat..."  
  
"Okina..." Aoshi said, seeing Saito's eyes.  
  
"Ohhhhhh no," Saito said.  
  
"Ooooo," Jiya said and started twirling Saito's nipples.  
  
"Okina!" Aoshi said, getting desperate.  
  
Jiya ignored him and fondled lower on Saito's body. Jenny cheered him on. "All right, ok, all right, now take it easy, slowly, that's right, yes, now place your hand over mine, and...ok, now grab that, and pull down. Okay, we've almost got it!"  
  
Jiya ruined the moment by thrusting against Saito. Saito calmly lifted Jenny off his head, lit a cigarette, stood up with Jiya still clinging to him, and looked at Aoshi, who nodded sadly. The other Oniwabanshu cleared the area quickly.  
  
"Oooooo! Ohohohohohohohohooooooooooooooooohhhh," Jiya moaned and a wet spot slowly began to spread all over Saito's backside.  
  
Saito roared like a beast, and proceeded to fuck Jiya the fuck up. First, Saito grabbed Jiya by his beard and flung him back and forth like a rag doll. Then he grabbed Jiya around the waist and kicked his ass. Repeatedly. As Jiya lay there like a slug, Saito went in for the coup de grace. He pulled Jiya to his feet by his testicles and strung him up like a piñata. Saito dusted his hands off and sat down to finish his meal.  
  
Jenny and the others cautiously crept back into the room, avoiding the pile of Jiya and the dangling nut sac.  
  
"Uhhh, Saito-san, you want me to make you a bath? You just got, you know, male-ed on," said Jenny, approaching the sexy bastard with extreme caution. Much to her surprise, he patted the seat next to him and gestured for her to have some breakfast.  
  
Kelly stood in the distance, arms flapping, "No! No! Don't do it!"  
  
But Jenny was in her glory; "Finally you come to your senses and see me for the woman that I am, Saito!" She sat her ass down and then suddenly became aware of wetness and utter squishiness.  
  
"What the hell am I sitting on?!" Jenny yelled, about to get up. As she tried, Saito clamped an arm down on her shoulder and pushed her back into the mess beneath her, "AY!"  
  
"Where are you going? I thought you wanted to enjoy breakfast with me," Saito said, an almost friendly smile on his face, "Now, here, help yourself to a plate of...uhh...whatever this mess is. I'm not entirely sure, but I think Jiya rolled in it when I was teaching him a lesson."  
  
"Umm, no thanks," said Jenny, feeling the uncomfortable lump digging in her ass, "Can I ask what I'm sitting on?"  
  
"Probably not," replied Saito, "You can ask, but I'm not going to give away the surprise."  
  
All of a sudden a shout rang across the room, "Oh dear lord! One of Jiya's testicles is missing! Everyone, be careful where you step!"  
  
Jenny turned beet red and lowered her head for a second, "Is that what..."  
  
Saito nodded, "That's right. Maybe next time you'll learn where little girl hands are meant to be: away from me."  
  
Jenny looked totally mortified as she sat on the broken off testie, courtesy of a fucked up Jiya. Saito on the other hand looked extremely amused, or about as happy as he can look. He IS Saito.  
  
"Kelly! Please help me! I'm sitting in a pile of nasty!" whined Jenny, trying to ignore the fact that Saito still held her in place. She flailed her arms like a tard, "Usually I would enjoy Saito holding me down against my womanly will, but I did not picture me having to sit on some guy's McLumpy while he was doing it!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!"  
  
Kelly walked over to the still form of the late Jiya, looking directly where his privates should have been, "Um..Jenny, Jiya is still all together, slightly mangled and stringy, but all there. Oh God, I'm going to barf! I never thought that much hair could exist on one section of skin!" She turned away, a shade of pea green, "Move it or lose it Aoshi-sama, I'm gonna spew!" She ran from the room and slammed the bathroom door.  
  
"If this is not Jiya...then what the hell am I..." Jenny looked at Saito, trying to ignore the flutter of cartoon hearts spinning around her head, "Hey jerk! What's the big idea?"  
  
"Aho," he replied, "You're sitting on breakfast..."  
  
The entire room broke out into laughter, ignoring Jiya when he began to stir and make painful noises.  
  
"Ahhhh Saito-san! That was a great joke!"  
  
"Who would've thought an evil man like you could have a sense of humor!"  
  
"Hey, look at the bigheaded girl! Can she get any redder?"  
  
"...ha ha..." Even Aoshi joined in the celebration.  
  
Jenny sat watching the morons around her break out into ear splitting laughter, "What the hell? You thought that was funny? Are your lives here in Japan really that boring?! Christ! Damn, Saito, holmes, you are lame as fuck. I'm sorry, I love you, but what the shit was all that about? I'm embarrassed to even like you now! Oh God! And you're smiling! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take it anymore! It's all too much! My entire image of the hunk of badass, chainsmoking man that is Saito is now completely and utterly ruined!" Jenny held her head painfully. Without warning, she ran from the room and out the front door screaming at the top of her lungs for some "Aku Soku Zan". 


	14. Chapter 14

Kelly came out of the bathroom looking a little bit better. She looked at the room of chuckling morons with disdain, "Uhh, what's the shiboz? Where's Jenny yo? Jenny?" She walked over to the still laughing Saito and checked under his jacket, "Jenny? You in there getting your freak on? Saito, where did she go?"  
  
Saito halted laughing and his usually serious face reappeared, "Jenny? I don't know. And I don't care."  
  
"Well, that was certainly nice of you," Kelly placed a hand on her hip, "Attention room full of slack jawed Eastern peeps. Where is Jenny!"  
  
"She ran out the door," replied Misao, a slight smile on her grubby, crayon marked face, "She said she couldn't live without Saito-san's love and companionship, so she went to jump off a bridge. At least I'm hoping that's what she'll do."  
  
"You a damn liar," replied Kelly, giving the tramp a look that could make a whore grab an application and work hard for the money, "Now come on everyone, this is serious. I mean Jenny. Alone in Kyoto. Jenny. Are you getting the picture here? J-E-N-N-Y alone in your city. Do you know how much trouble that BB head could cause here?"  
  
Saito got slowly to his feet and lit a cig, "Ahhhh, I suppose I had better go out and look for the little monster. I'm only doing it because it's my job to serve and protect-"  
  
"Yeah, and slaughter and assassinate on the side," added Kelly, trying to ignore the evil look he flashed her, "You know what Saito, this is all your damn fault. If you weren't so mean to her..."  
  
"Aho, I don't have to be nice to either of you. I don't like either of you. It's my job to see you safe and sound in Kyoto though, so I can finally get you out of my hair." With that he started out the door, Kelly following closely behind.  
  
"I'm going with them," said Aoshi suddenly and without warning.  
  
The entire room froze and stared at him in awe.  
  
"Ahhh, gomen Aoshi-sama," said Misao apologetically, "We're just not used to you speaking. Usually you do the "..." thing."  
  
"..."  
  
"Umm, like that right there."  
  
Aoshi remained silent and picked up his sword. He walked out the door wordlessly, looking damn pimp and full of 'gotdamn'.  
  
Two Hours Later  
  
"Jenny! Jenny where are you!" called Kelly. She sighed and then looked around for a sign of a giant head. Nothing. Her, Aoshi, and Saito had been looking through Kyoto's streets for 2 whole hours and they found not even a trace of Jenny. It was starting to get dark outside too.  
  
"Well, she's not here," Aoshi said emotionlessly, "Any luck with you Saito?"  
  
Saito made an annoyed sound, "No, the little aho has really gotten herself lost now. Kami-sama, why did you have to unleash these girls on me? Why? Why?"  
  
"Um, excuse me," said a voice. The three turned around to see a middle-aged man approaching them, "You wouldn't happen to be looking for a foreign girl with a large head, would you?"  
  
"Yes! Tell us where she is!" cried Kelly, shaking the Uncle Sam out of the poor man.  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa," he replied, vibrating like a...um...you know, "She went that way about an hour ago. Looked quite panic too if I do recall. She kept crying about some guy named Saito. You may want to find her before it gets too late. This part of town is particularly rough."  
  
Kelly thanked the man and then headed off in the direction he had pointed. Saito and Aoshi followed, looking less than amused.  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Jenny wandered heartbrokenly through an alley, whimpering away like a lost midget, "S -aito-o-ooo *sniff* I miss your evil eyes, those pointy teeth, those funky bangs, that firm succulent ass...Waaah! SAITO!!!"  
  
"Pssst," said a voice.  
  
Jenny turned around, "Wha? Who's there?"  
  
"Hey girl, how would you like to become a member of the Jupon Gatana?" the voice asked from inside of a garbage can.  
  
"Dude, why are you in the garbage? Are you a hobo?" Jenny inquired, peering into the dark can.  
  
"I am not a hobo!" cried the voice. All of a sudden the man stood up, garbage lid on his head, banana peel on his shoulder, paint chipping stench..."I work for the upcoming ruler of Japan, Shishio Makoto."  
  
Jenny peered at the man, as if trying to remember his face, "Are you...Hoji?"  
  
"How do you know my name!!" the man squealed, "Oh no, Shishio-sama is going to kill me."  
  
"Isn't Shishio a BBQed corpse by now? Remember when he died so hilariously? Drooling...Burning ...Making gay noises..."  
  
"How dare you talk about Shishio-sama in such a manner! Now you have two choices. One: Surrender and become a loyal servant of Shishio-sama. Or Two: Die!"  
  
Jenny thought for a few minutes, "There's no third choice is there?"  
  
"Uhhh, no."  
  
"Hmm, ok. I'll choose number two," said Jenny, snickering away.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Hoji.  
  
"I chose number two," replied Jenny, laughing even harder, "You know? Number Two. Get it?"  
  
"Not really," Hoji said, a serious no nonsense expression on his square face, "Now c'mon, we have to meet Shishio-sama and the others at the secret hideout. Follow me." Hoji started to skip like a gay. Jenny followed a great distance behind.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"This sucks. Man, if we can't find Jenny, who am I gonna watch anime with when we get home?" moaned Kelly.  
  
"Shh, I think I hear something," Saito said.  
  
"You can't shh me, I'm a grown ass woman dawg. But wait, I think I hear it too," Kelly said.  
  
"A deehhh?" said a retarded voice.  
  
"Sounds like Jenny," Saito said.  
  
"Nah, that's not her. She sounds more like 'deerrrr' than 'a deehhh', y'know?"  
  
Saito just looked at her crazy.  
  
A big fat guy came out of the alley in front of them. Kelly jumped back and hid behind Aoshi. "Wizut the fizuk is that!?"  
  
"Iwanbo of the Juppon Gatana," Aoshi explained. Or said. Or exclaimed. You can't really tell with him.  
  
"Who of the what?" asked Kelly.  
  
"Juppon Gatana. Shishio's henchmen," said Saito, drawing his sword.  
  
"Ahh. Wait a tic, Saito. You're gonna use a sword on this guy? Jesus, he's dumber than Jenny and you don't use a sword on HER!"  
  
"Hmm. You have a point."  
  
"So, Shinomori Aoshi, we meet again," said a childlike voice from behind them.  
  
"Oooo, say that again. It sounded so sexy when you said his name. Of course, when I scream it, it would sound so much better," Kelly said, and got a look of complete disgust from Aoshi.  
  
"Seta. What are you doing here?" Saito asked.  
  
"Recruiting. We need two more people since you and the Battousai got rid of Cho and Fuji. Hoji-san already found one, a big-headed girl with no manners and a dirty mouth."  
  
"He-hey! Now, that sounds like Jenny. Wait a minute. Aren't you a Rurouni now? And isn't Shishio dead? Last time I checked, his ass was a shrimp on the barbie. Y'know, toasty roasty and shit. And didn't Saito and Kenshin whoop all y'all asses?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Saito asked.  
  
"Well, I guess we magically got thrown into an AU Kenshin story. Nevermind, guys," she said, then looked at Aoshi. "But you better not go joining the JG, all right? I mean, it was cool and all how you fucked Jiya up, but that was way wrong. And don't fight Kenshin anymore, cuz you'll lose. I love you man, but you kinda suck. The top five guys in all of Rurouni Kenshin are Hiko, Saito, Kenshin, you, and Sanosuke. In that order. Ay, don't look at me like that. Like I just shot your mama or somethin'. Constructive criticism, man, geez, relax."  
  
"Ahem."  
  
"Oh, Seta, I'm sorry, I forgot you were there. You may go now," Kelly said all arrogantly, like she could back up those words.  
  
Suddenly, off in the distance, a voice called out: "SSAAAAAAAIIITOOOOO!"  
  
"Jenny? HEY JENNY!!! GETCHER BITCHASS DOWN HERE!"  
  
A couple minutes later, Jenny came running up, huffing and puffing.  
  
"Damn, cut that smokin' out."  
  
"Shaddup. Man, I just ran away from Shishio. That nigga crazy, let me tell you! First, that screwball Hoji jumped out the damn garbage can like some sort of sick joke and swindled me into joing the Juppon Gatana. Then, I have to sit and have a 'private' conference with Shishio's burntastic self, and lemme tell you, that shit aint cute. I mean, he isn't good lookin' anyways, not by a long shot, but he smells funky too! Like...like when you cook on the stove and something from last time you cooked spilled over and you never cleaned it up, and now you're cooking it? That mystery burn smell. And man is Yumi a hooker! She's even more hookerish than Tokio!"  
  
"That's enough right there," said a mummy lookin' guy that could only be Shishio.  
  
"Ack! Saito, protect me! And watch out for that metal plate he has in his head bandages!!" Jenny squealed, and tried to hide behind Saito.  
  
"What are you going to do now, you bandaged young punk?" Saito asked.  
  
"Ew, no, it's 'you wrapped up bag of shit'," Kelly said.  
  
"Hey, don't tell me how to talk garbage," hissed Saito, unsheathing his sword.  
  
"Wooo! Wrong sword!" called Jenny, laughing like some sort of hentai-dono, "You want the one attached to you!! Ooooo!! Here, I got it, don't strain yourself!" She reached forward, but got a slap upside the head for her troubles.  
  
"You shut up too! This is all your fault young lady," continued Saito, amber eyes flashing, "I'm in no mood to be toyed with right now, especially not by some under-aged brats." He went into Gatotsu stance, looking mad as a mutha whose son just got shot.  
  
"Ahhhh, Saito Hajime, we meet again," rasped Shishio, "Now I can finally have my revenge on you." He slumped forward, dragging his right heel and making scary moaning sounds. "Um, this is going to take awhile. It seems I can't move as fast as I used to."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll come to you," roared Saito, charging forward, sword at the ready. Suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks. Jenny was clinging to his leg like some sort of leech, "What are you doing? Get off of me this instant!"  
  
"I missed you so much Saito-chan!!" whined Jenny, "Even after you were so mean to me! My my, you're thighs are muscular. Ohhohohohohoho!!"  
  
"You are embarrassing me!" he whispered out of the corner of his mouth, trying to ignore the whip sounds that Shishio tried to make as well as the hand on his ass, "Now let go of me!" He noticed that Shishio's ol' slow crusty ass was advancing, so he began to shake his leg.  
  
"Who would've thought that Saito Hajime could be beaten by a girl with an abnormally large head," laughed Shishio, "Now you will finally DIE!!"  
  
Before Mum-u-la could try a damn thing, Kelly ran forward with a flaming branch, "Back! Back I say! As a mummy, you should be afraid of fire!" She watched as Shishio began to flap his arms like a retard.  
  
"EEEEEIII!!" he screamed, flap flap flapping away, "Get it away!!"  
  
Jenny now had Saito down to his draws, "Hey hey hey, no need to get excited this soon!"  
  
Saito turned beet red, veins sticking out of his neck. He looked up to the sky for help, "Kami-sama, have mercy on me!"  
  
"Kami-sama is havin' mercy! It ain't like you gotta beg for this kinda treatment! Ooooooo!"  
  
"Shishio-sama!!" cried a woman's voice. He turned and saw Yumi running for him. She carried a pail of water, which she splashed him with, "There, let's see her try to burn that."  
  
"Yumi!" Shishio held her in his arms. Suddenly, he stabbed her for no reason.  
  
"Shishio-sama," she cried, love in her eyes, "Thanks!"  
  
"You didn't have to stab her! What the fuck!" yelled Kelly.  
  
"You don't know my woman very well," he explained, "She died for the cause."  
  
"Um.what cause? Kenshin was not there in front of her," yelled Jenny, her voice muffled. She peeked out from Saito's coat, clinging to him as he tried to get away, "OMG! He looks like a Soggy!"  
  
Kelly stared at Shishio for a full minute, "By shit you're right! Dude, you ain't getting a piece of my mutha fuckin' Cap'n Crunch!" She clutched her box of cereal to her, watching as Shishio licked his lips in hunger.  
  
Finally Saito got away from Jenny, half-naked and disheveled, "Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, don't worry, I'll come to you!" He ran forward, only in his draws, shoes, and a shirt.  
  
Before Saito could mess a body up, some jerk in a trench coat jumped in front of him, "Shishio Makoto, I will kill you."  
  
Saito stopped and tossed his sword down, "Awww, shit. I give up." Jenny ran for him and reassumed the ass grabbing position in the blink of an eye.  
  
"Damn, even you gotta be quicker than that!"  
  
"Gotdamn Aoshi? What is your ignorant ass thinkin' 'bout?" Kelly hollered, "I hope you're ready for the humiliation of getting your ass beat down by a half-baked mummy! I know ya'll around me thinking: This sumbitch better not try to fight him. This mutha fucka better not even try to fight him. Hey Aoshi! Stop! This gotdamn mutha fucka IS gonna fight him!" She ran forward to pull him back, but someone stopped her.  
  
"A.A deeeeeeh?"  
  
"Damn! Git your damn obese mits offa me!" she yelled, as the fat red man tried to sit on her, "Oh hell naw! That ass gets within 2 inches of me, I'm gonna go Legato Bluesummers on yo' In Need of Jenny Craig Badly ass."  
  
As she spoke, the giant pimply ass descended upon her. The shadow alone was enough to cause a city wide blackout.  
  
"Noooooooo!!!" she cried, lifting her hands to shield her face from the ass-lanche. Her shouts were muffled as her mouth was filled with raw waddly-lard-flab.  
  
Aoshi was down in 2.4 seconds. Shishio just looked at the man and he crumpled to the ground in a sexy heap.  
  
"That's sad," said Saito, shaking his head sadly.  
  
Even Jenny looked up from her lucious ass grabbing position, "Dems the breaks, or the ass. Whichever."  
  
Suddenly the alley got brighter and the sound of choir girls filled the air.  
  
Kelly poked her head out from under the tox of butt, "Hiko! Praise the Aoshi cock! You're here to save us all!"  
  
Hiko flashed a smile that blinded all, "Ho ho! Here I am!"  
  
Saito looked not at all impressed. He glanced down at Jenny, who was salavating at the speed of Lake Michigan. Her hand even dropped from his ass. "Hmm, you again."  
  
"Yes, it is I," Hiko said arrogantly, strutting around the alley and looking down upon the scared shitless Juppon Gatana.  
  
Hoji ran out before Hiko dressed in drag, "Stop! You dare go against Shishio-sama! I, Hoji, will not allo--." Before he could get the rest of his tard ass saying out, Hiko stepped over him like he weren't even there. *crunch crunch*  
  
Hiko looked down at the sound of a sickening crunch, "Ew, my nice boots! Boy, get over here and clean it up this instant," He gestured for Shishio to bend down and give his shoes a gauze shine.  
  
"Yessir." He bent down and began to shine with a vengeance.  
  
Saito walked up behind him and booted him a few times directly in his dusty ass. Little clouds of sand flew up in the air.  
  
Aoshi slowly got to his feet, rubbing his head, "...what happened...did I...win?"  
  
"No," said everyone in unison.  
  
"A...a deeeeh?" Iwanbo shifted his ass, making Kelly get wet and full of ass. The ass smell was so strong that even the fat ass himself coughed.  
  
"Why am I going to get wet? This is so gross! Jenny! Stop writing this disgusting segment!"  
  
Jenny hunched over her mini laptop, "Nooo!! Mwahahahahahahaaa!!! Watch what I'm going to do next!!" Jenny typed frantically, looking like Professor Tomoe, complete with moonsmile and shiny glasses.  
  
Kelly looked around, afraid of what could happen. Without warning, Shishio's head flew from his shoulders and hit a wall. Then Iwanbo's draws flew off, leaving Kelly to fend for herself in the watery depths.  
  
Saito looked around in horror. He watched Jenny as her gaze slowly set upon him,"Ooooooo."  
  
Magically, Saito became a Manticore. He danced around, dancing the night away, "I don't know what's going on, but I'm enjoying this."  
  
Aoshi's trenchcoat flipped over his head and an imaginary foot kicked the shit outta his ass, "You're a loser! You suck! Can't you do anything right? Gotdamn!" yelled the disembodied voice of Ray Charles.  
  
"Ow! Ow! Stop it! You're making me say more than 5 words!" cried Aoshi, actually looking constipated.  
  
Saito left his Manticore form and became a bird. A smoking, cussing, killing bird.  
  
Jenny the Author put on her wicked witch of the west costume and waved her arms, "Fly my pretty! Fly!!!"  
  
Saito flew forward and began to peck Shishio's head, which had sprouted feet and a hand.  
  
Kelly was almost drowning in ass water. She opened her mouth to scream for help but her mouth was filled with life-killing ass.  
  
Jenny typed two more words and the alley suddenly was filled with dancing count draculas and a few wolfmen to boot. It was like a Universal Studios rave! Trance music filled the air and there were strobe lights.  
  
"Ok, that's enough," said Hiko, unplugging the magic computer.  
  
"Aww....bitch." Jenny looked down, tears filling her crazy eyes. Everything suddenly went back to normal, except for Kelly drowning in ass.  
  
"Hell! I'm drowning in ass!" screamed Kelly, swallowing another gulp.  
  
Saito and the others looked pretty pissed. He picked Shishio up and killed him with a single look. Seta ran like a pansy, and Hoji hopped after him like a garbage man.  
  
Iwanbo suddenly flew away.  
  
"Aw, God." Kelly got up, still swimming with absolute shit and crabs, "C'mon! As if shit weren't nasty enough! Aoshi! You still love me, right?"  
  
Aoshi avoided her gaze, kicking dirt around and muttering something about being a loser.  
  
Kelly woke up, sweating like Al Capone at FBI headqueeters. "That was one fucked up ass dream. I don't even know what a manticore looks like. Wait a second. My basement! Aw hell naw! Jenny, wake up!!"  
  
"Ugh? Man, I had the porno-est dream. I dreamt we went to Rurouni Kenshin land and I molested Saito through the whoooooole damn thing."  
  
"Man, dawg, hey man, man, you know what I'm sayin', man?"  
  
"Man, I know what you sayin' man. I love you too, man," said Jenny, holding up a can of Bud Light.  
  
"Man, that's NOT what I'm sayin'. Man, was that real?"  
  
Jenny looked down and saw her hand molded into the Saito lucious ass grabbing position. "Man, holy shit, man. I touched Saito's ASS!"  
  
"I held Aoshi cock!"  
  
THE END or is it? DA DA DAAAAAAAAA! 


End file.
